Movies of Next Month: August

Summer is almost over. One month separate us from the Summer season and the filler seasons of September and October. With very little summer left what films are worth seeing and what films are worth skipping? Luckily for you I’ve posted a list of the films coming next month and whether it’s worth seeing or not. If you are uncertain about what to see or just don’t know what’s coming next month, then this is the article for you.

GI Joe: Rise of Cobra

Story: I’ve never watched the show so I don’t know the whole story. From what I read and saw I have to say that a terrorist group named Cobra is trying to take over the world, so America brings in an elite group of soldiers to stop them.

Worth Seeing?: As I said before I’m not a GI Joe fan and this doesn’t look like it's going to be a great movie, but it could still be decent. It is directed by the director of the Mummy but the guy also directed the Mummy Returns, so it could go either way

Bandslam

Story: It’s about a band trying to win a battle of the bands type competition called Bandslam (thus the title). There also seems to be a plot about a romance between the band’s teenage manager and one of the band members named Sa5m (Why she has a 5 in her name I do not know, probably just an attempt to make the character memorable).

Worth Seeing?: I’m not a fan of teen movies, but I do have to say that it looks better then most teen movies. I probably won’t see it though because it’s just not my type of movie.

The Time Traveler’s Wife

Story: Based on a best selling novel “The Time Traveler’s Wife” is about a girl who meets a guy who travels through time when she was a child. Years later she meets the guy again and marries him (he hasn’t aged because he can travel through time), yet traveling through time without control puts is bad for their relationship and the drama begins.

Worth Seeing?: It probably is if you are a woman. If you are a man (like me) then you probably wouldn’t invite your buddies to go see this. I do have to say that the idea of a man who meets a little girl and then a little bit later makes love to her as an adult is a little creepy.

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard

Story: This film is about an arrogant car salesman. That’s pretty much it, but boy does it look funny.

Worth Seeing?: This looks like the next Talladega Nights, and for good reason seeing that it’s made by the director of Talladega Nights. Talladega Nights was hilarious and hopefully this will be hilarious.

District 9

Story: An alien race has invaded our planet, but now for conquest. Their landing on our planet was a complete accident. Humans don’t believe that so they oppress them and give them a crappy area called District 9.

Worth Seeing?: The main draw to this movie is the fact that it’s produced by Peter Jackson (best known for the Lord of the Rings trilogy). Producer means he just finances the film, but from what  I heard he is a very involved producer. This film is based on a short film called “Alive in Joberg” which is actually a well done short film. The director of the short film Neil Blomkamp is also directing this, so the movie  will be like the short but with more budget, running time, and story. If nothing else this movie is worth seeing because if this is a box office success then Peter Jackson and Neil Blomkamp will be allowed to make the Halo Movie.

Shorts

Story: A suburb of black falls is now turned upside down when a kid discovers a rock where it can grant any of your wishes.

Worth Seeing?: It probably is if you’re a child. Otherwise I don’t know. It is directed by the director of Spy Kids which was a good film whether you were a kid or an adult, but the same director also directed the crappy sequels. Just check the reviews from the paid critics.

Inglorious Basterds

Story: During World War 2 times a US general is organizing a group of Jewish soldiers to do one thing and one thing only; Killing Nazis. There also seems to be a plot about a young woman who’s family is killed by Nazis so she flees to Paris, change her identity, and runs a cinema. These two stories will probably end up connecting in this film.

Worth Seeing?: It’s directed by Quentin Tarantino which I haven’t seen any of his films but I heard that they were all great. Quentin Tarantino himself said that he thinks this is his best film. Even without the director’s credentials this film looks good.

  Taking Woodstock

Story: A town is banning the famous concert Woodstock from playing on their grounds, so a kid with his parents is now being paid to hold Woodstock in their own backyard.

Worth Seeing?: It looks pretty good, but I do have to say that it’s the type of film that won’t be playing at any theater. If that’s the case then you might have to go out of your way to see this film, but I have a feeling that it would be worth it.

The Final Destination

Story: Pretty much the same as the other Final Destination films. Some teens escape death and now death is out to get them.

Worth Seeing?: I can’t really comment on this film because it’s a horror film and I’m not a horror film fan. I do have to say that the title is retarded seeing that it’s pretty much the same as the title as the first film. All  they did is added a “The” in the title.

Halloween 2

Story: Michael Meyers is killing people… Again.

Worth Seeing?: Once again, not a horror fan so I can’t really judge it.

Trend: Alien and Human Role Reversal

There always seems to be trends in Hollywood that lasts for a short time. The trend that seems to be going on right now is that Aliens and Humans are now switching roles. Like in Battle for Terra where instead of Aliens invading our planet for conquest we are invading theirs for conquest. Or what  about District 9 where instead of Aliens oppressing us we are oppressing the Aliens. Then there’s Planet 51 (Coming Soon) where a human astronaut is now on an alien planet being hidden by a little alien boy. It’s just like ET except the roles are reversed. Last but not least there’s the new James Cameron movie Avatar which I just learned was about humans invading an Alien planet. It seems that Hollywood has just realized that if we do find Aliens the chances are that they would be nicer then us.

13 Ways 21st Century Disney Pissed Us Off

Remember when Disney was a name the we loved and a film being made by Disney automatically meant quality entertainment? That was ten years ago. Since then Disney has completely changed it’s image. In ten years, Disney went from a magical kingdom to a factory of fail. Sure the Pixar material is great and films like; The Princess and the Frog, The Christmas Carol, and Alice in Wonderland looks promising, but  good films from Disney are rare. Disney has also failed outside of the movie industry with terrible television and music. Because Disney has became such an abomination; I’ve decided to list the 13 ways Disney has pissed us off in the last decade.

13. The Emperor's New School: “The Emperor’s New Groove” was one the better films that Disney has released in the last decade, but it did inspire a very mediocre TV series. The story is that the main character Cuzco cannot become emperor until he finishes school, so Cuzco has to go through the common problems that many teens have. Except most teens don’t have older women turning them into animals. The main problem with this show is that the writers recycle humor from the film making the show very repetitive very quickly. It’s low on the list because this show is actually watchable, in fact it’s the only show on Disney channel  that is watchable.

 

  12. National Treasure Series: Did you know that there was a conspiracy involving big historical figures and treasure? You would if you saw National Treasure 1 & 2, and if that’s the case then I feel your pain. This is a very ridiculous series that is filled with poor plots, bland characters, and historical inaccuracy. The action is lame because it consists of only running, sure Nicolas Cage beats up one guy but of then that just running. There’s also a couple of plot holes. An example of one is the fact that Nicolas Cage’s grandfather was a boy during the time Lincoln was assassinated but was alive when Nick’s character was a boy. Now we are to assume that this movie takes place in modern times and that our main protagonist is in his forties, so that means that his grandfather had to be in his late nineties or early hundreds. But we saw his grandfather at the beginning of the first film and he didn’t looks that old. This plot hole could’ve been filled by having it be his great-grandfather that was a boy during Lincoln’s assassination but the writers decided to just go with having plot hole instead.

11. Freaky Friday: I honestly didn’t like this film that much. I didn’t find it funny, engaging, or anything. Lindsay Lohan isn’t that likable of a protagonist and I have to tell you that I thought this before she started to cause controversy. The worst thing is this seems like the beginning of Disney decision to make the majority of films about teens.

10. Lost Season 3 & 5: Even though Disney doesn’t put its logo on the production of Lost I do have to say that this show is on ABC which is owned by Disney so it counts. To be fair; when it started it was very interesting and yes it’s a very revolutionary show, but it suffers from two bad seasons. The thirds season of lost was what started its downfall because before this season it was all great. The problem with this season was that most of it felt pointless. Plot points, Flashbacks, and even entire episodes felt as if it was just there to take up time. After the third season we were treated to an okay fourth season but then came to a pretty bad fifth season. The fifth season made it clear to me that J.J. Abrams was making it up as he went along. There were plot points that made no sense (and looking at the fact that this is Lost that’s saying a lot), characters becoming unlikable, and enough plot holes to engulf the island. I might be alone with my hatred of this season seeing that it was nominated for an Emmy, so I hope I don’t offend anyone. I’m just glad that there’s only one season left. One season, and then I could put this all behind me.

  9. Sky High: Sky high is the perfect adjective to describe what Disney was during the production of this film and how they’ve been since. Sky High is the typical high school movie except with superheroes. It’s about the son of two superheroes being sent to a school of super powered beings, but it turns out that he has no super powers. It then turns out that he does have super powers ( yes, because a story about a person with no powers living in a society of superheroes doesn’t in anyway make an interesting story, but you can go and give him powers). The beginning and middle of this movie were both pretty bad, but what made this movie go from bad to worse was the ending where the villain unveils her evil plan to turn all the super heroes into babies. You heard that right, babies.

  8. Disney Channel Stars: These untalented bunch of people are what represents what Disney has become; a company that is meant to only entertain tweens and nobody else. These people always seem to get extra fame for doing very little and the media only seems to be concentrated on what they do wrong. It’s not their direct fault but that doesn’t mean that I’m suppose to like these attention grabbing, untalented, teens.

7. Bridge to Terabithia’s Trailer: No, the movie itself didn’t make the list mostly because it wasn’t that bad,  it was depressing but not that bad. What did make the list was the fact that Disney flat out false advertised this movie. Bridge to Terabithia is a drama about a kid finding friendship, yet they decided to give this an epic trailer that made it look like the next  big fantasy film. In fact in the trailer they directly said “When you go looking for adventure, be prepared to find more then you ever imagined,” the trailer should’ve said “When you go looking for adventure, be prepared to be very disappointed.” Most people who went to see this movie didn’t expect to go leave with their children crying when the only likable character is killed at the end. Disney offered us “Spiderwick Chronicles” but gave us “My Girl.” In short; if you’re film is a drama then advertised it as a drama, because most people don’t want to be tricked.

6. Race to Witch Mountain: I won’t get into that much detail with this one mostly because I’m going to be writing about it later. I’ll just tell you that every year I make a list of the worst films that came out that year and this move has definitely reserved a spot on that list.

5. Meet the Robinsons: This is the last specific film to make this list. Let’s just say it’s an unfunny, stupid, mess of a film. I’m not saying that it’s the worst Disney film that came out in the last ten year, I’m just saying that it’s the worst I’ve seen.

4. Disney Channel: Disney channel use to be good with good cartoons and even some decent original movies, but now it’s pretty much became ABC Family for kids. Almost all the shows star teenagers going through pointless problems with horrible solution while telling unfunny joke after unfunny joke. I don’t watch the shows but my siblings do and every time I walk by them watching TV I see some untalented person telling an unfunny joke. Seeing how bad the shows are, I have to guess the original movies would be just as bad with films like the High School Musical series (Which I avoid watching at all cost). Just have to say that the kids shows today aren’t nearly as good as the kid shows ten years ago.

3. The Disney Sequels: Sequels in general are usually never good, but boy is Disney a company that sucks when it comes to making a sequel to their classic films. Outside of Rescuers Down Under, Lion King 1 1/2, and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest; all the sequels made by Disney suck. I’ve only seen a few of them, but whenever I  would pass a video store and see an advertisement for the latest sequel from the Disney library; I can just tell from the cover that the movie sucks. The fact that most of them don’t even get a theatrical release is a sign of its terribleness. Just do what I do and just say that the story of the classics Disney films ended when the film did and just consider the sequels fan fiction, that’s what some of them are anyway.

2. Radio Disney: Boy does Radio Disney play some of the worst songs ever made. Songs by Disney channel stars range from annoying to dreadful. Sure they play songs from decent artists every now and then, but most of the time they play songs that make suicide look like a pleasant alternative. This would be avoidable except for the fact that my siblings love this music and they play it loud so I have to listen to the constant annoyances all the time, and that’s why it made the #2 spot on this list.

1. The Disney Vault: The list so far has told you that Disney has released bad films, terrible TV, and awful music. As bad as those are, they are avoidable. What isn’t avoidable however, is the fact that if you’re sitting at home and decide that you want to watch “The Great Mouse Detective” or any  of the Disney classics you can’t just go to the store and buy it. You have to wait until Disney decides to make the film available to the public for a few months before it goes back into the Disney vault. If you don’t about the Disney vault I’ll tell you; the Disney vault is a vault where they say they’re keeping their classics films in. Every now and then they would release one of these classic films for a few months and then stop producing more copies hint putting them in the Disney vault. They do this to raise sales of the movies preventing people from just renting the film and making them buy it. This evil marketing plan is something they started doing with DVD’s seeing that they don’t seem to do it with videos. It you think about it, its just cruel. Not only does Disney put out a lot of bad stuff, but they keep the good stuff away from us. No other movie studio does this, so this just adds to Disney bad reputation of being greedy money grabbers.