13 Worst Films of 09

Hello I’m The Mellow Filmmaker; I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

2009 is over (if you haven't’ already noticed) and all we can do is look back at all the life changing events that happened during the year. But because I don’t have a life; I could just look at the films I saw. There were some good ones, and there were some bad ones. Today I’m going to write about the bad ones; the ones that disappoint the most, bored the most, and hurt the most. These are the 13 films that make one leave the theater dumbfounded or early. If you disagree with this list; that’s okay. Just don’t insult me or else I’ll add you to the bitch count.

13. Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian

The first Night at the Museum was a charming and funny film. The characters were likable and it is in my opinion; an underrated film. The sequel on the other hand; wasn’t as good. The premise is that our protagonist; Larry Daley, isn’t working at the museum anymore. The museum is now replacing their wax figurines with holograms and is now shipping them to the Smithsonian. Unfortunately the tile that brings the wax figurines to life (okay; I admits that part of the premise is dumb) is shipped to the Smithsonian, so now the entire Smithsonian comes to life. This movie mostly seems like an advertisement for the Smithsonian. The jokes aren’t as good with most being pointless bickering. The only things that saves it from going higher on the list is that it is partly entertaining and has some charm. It’s in my opinion; the best way to start of this list of terrible films from 2009. (Tomatometer Rating: 44%) Directed by: Shawn Levy

12. Terminator Salvation

Terminator Salvation is a sequel to the successful Terminator that takes place in a post apocalyptic future where humanity is hiding from their robotic enemies. All of the Terminator films until this one took place in modern times because humanities’ robotic enemy SkyNet sent back Terminators to slay the Resistance’s leader John Connor. This one actually takes place in the future where John Connor is trying to start a resistance to defeat SkyNet. With the whole series building up to John Connor’s resistance in the future you would think that this would be a good movie. Instead we have early warning signs like the fact that it is rated PG-13 (when all previous installments were rated R) and the fact that the director goes around using the name McG. Warning signs aside this could still be a good movie. It could’ve been a good movie, but it wasn’t. Instead we get a dull poorly directed action film that doesn’t give us any reason to care. The first major problem is that it’s very unsatisfying. The film pushes elements such as plot just for it to be filled with action scenes. This wouldn’t be so bad except that actions scenes lack any substance or suspense, so the end result is really just a montage of CGI explosions. The second major problem is the characters. Character development is horribly done and the characters are so bland that it is easy to confuse the humans with the robots. With poor character development and no focus on plot the end result of is a pretty tedious movie, a movie tedious enough to land at the #12 spot. (Tomatometer Rating: 32%) Directed by: McG

11. The International

The International is about an Interpol agent who is trying to solve the mystery of his friend’s death and uncovers a conspiracy about banks funding terrorism. The film actually has good cinematography, and unlike most films on this list; the writers of this film actually seemed to have a brain. Also the shoot out in the museum was one of the better action scenes of the year. The problem with the film is that it’s boring. The film fails to capture the audience’s attention. The plot is also extremely hard to follow, with the audience being in the dark despite knowing more then the characters. Overall, while the film does seem to be well made, I cannot give the film more credit because of its lack of entertainment value so it deserves the #11 spot on this list. (Tomatometer Rating: 58%) Directed by: Tom Tykwer

10. GI Joe: Rise of Cobra

GI Joe is a terrible movie. The film about a special force called GI Joe taking down a terrorist group named Cobra is filled with so much stupidity and clichés. The plot holes are numerous, and the character development and CGI are sub par. Now a film so bad definitely deserves to be higher on the list, but here’s the thing; this is my favorite film on this list. Now a person would assume that my favorite of these bad films would be the one at the #13 spot, but no. GI Joe is my favorite, because it’s the only film on this list that’s so bad that it’s good. My friend and I were smiling the whole time while watching this movie, because this movie is so stupid that it’s entertaining. The clichés and bad acting at time just had me laughing. I do sympathize with the people that thought that this was going to be a good movie, but I came in with no expectation and came out with a hilarious unintentional comedy. Since this movie did give me a good time; I’m not going to put it at the #10 spot. No higher, no lower. (Tomatometer Rating: 36%) Directed by: Stephen Sommers

9. Pink Panther 2

What happened to Steve Martian’s career? In the late 70’s and most of the 80’s he was in comedy classics; such as The Jerk, Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid, and the Three Amigos. Now he’s in crap like Cheaper by the Dozen 1 &2 and Pink Panther 1 &2. Pink Panther 2 once again follows Steve Martian as the iconic Inspector Jacque Clouseau who once again has to solve the theft of the Pink Panther. This time he has to work with an international team called the Dream Team to hunt down a thief named the Tornado. The Pink Panther series is known for slapstick humor, but both entries of the remake series seem to not only rely primarily on it, but also do these routines poorly. This is actually the film with the lowest Tomatometer rating, but it is not the worst. I personally feel that most critics are too hard on both of the Pink Panther remakes. Sure they’re stupid and unfunny, but at the same time they’re harmless. Also there are a few jokes that gave genuine laughs that didn’t involve slapstick. Both of these movies are not really underrated just over criticized. Don’t get me wrong this is still a bad movie, just not as bad as people make it out to be. (Tomatometer Rating: 13%) Directed By: Harald Zwart

8. Alvin & the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel

Do you find the title of this movie funny? No? Then you’re high majority that I’m also a member of. This movie had an extremely low chance of being decent and I saw it anyway. Why? Because in my opinion; any movie is better then just staying at home bored. To be honest this wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but it still sucked. First of all it is stupid, not really surprisingly stupid, but stupid still. The story is really non existent filled with bad jokes. There are moments drama spliced in randomly, but usually any conflict is resolved by the next scene. The effects are really, with decent CGI, but poor attempts to make it seem real. An example of this is that there’s a scene where the chipmunks are in a cage with an eagle. Despite the dialogue suggesting that the eagle wants to eat the chipmunks; the eagle never looks at the chipmunks. In real life the eagle wouldn’t have kept his eyes off the chipmunks. This movie would’ve been higher on the list, but like Pink Panther there might have been a couple of funny parts. (Tomatometer Rating: 22%) Directed By: Betty Thomas

7. Race to Witch Mountain

Race to Witch Mountain is a film about a taxi driver who drives aliens disguised as kids to stop the destruction of earth. If the plot alone isn’t enough to keep you off this film then I also have to write that this is a remake. Another bad sign is that it is a Disney live action movie that looks stupid. Dwayne Johnson in another kid’s movie should also be a warning sign, so is the fact that the director also directed the other bad Dwayne Johnson kid’s movie. If you still saw this film after all of that then you are in for a treat! A bad tasting treat! The characters are bland, the premise is stupid, and the editing is really choppy. The story seems to be rushed at times and there’s no reason to care about what’s happening. In short; it’s another stupid kid’s movie. Sure it’s geared towards kids, but why see take your kids to see this when you could take them to a smarter kids film. Such as Coraline, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Up, and Where the Wild Things Are. (Tomatometer Rating: 43%) Directed By: Andy Fickman

6. Transformers 2

This is a very controversial spot for this film. On one end of the spectrum; there are people who like this movie and think that it doesn’t deserve to be on this list at all. On the other end; there are people who think that it should be much higher on the list. Personally it makes this spot on this list because while it does have a plethora of plot holes, constant stupidity, and constant immaturity; I felt it was a step up from the other films of the summer. The truth is; by the point I saw this movie I was already use to seeing bad movies. Maybe if I saw this before other disappointing movies of the summer then it would’ve made it higher on the list. I also put this movie at this spot because it is entertaining if you turn your brain off, which shouldn’t be a requirement for one’s enjoyment. (Tomatometer Rating: 20%) Directed by: Michael Bay

5. X-Men Origins: Wolverine

The Mellow Filmmaker is putting X-Men Origins: Wolverine ahead of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen!? How could he!? Well I’ll tell you how I could. This is my list and if any of you insult me for thinking differently then you then you’re going to be added to the bitch count! Sorry about that I just know that complaints will come in droves and I’m just telling those complainers what will happen if they insult me. Now that we got that out of the way let’s go on to the actually review. X-Men Origins Wolverine is about the classic comic book Wolverine and his back story. Wolverine was part of a group of mutant mercenaries. That didn’t end well and years later Wolverine’s brother Sabertooth (Who I heard isn’t Wolverine’s brother in the comic, so this is sort of like a fan faction) is killing all the mutant mercenaries. This plot is actually just a slasher flick with mutants. The main problem with this movie is that it has the worst character development of the year. Most character has only about 5 minutes of screen time and usually serves no purpose other then moving the plot forward. Most of characters are bland (unfortunately including our hero) and I can’t even remember the names of half of them. The plot is also filled with many clichés and holes. The action scenes can’t even be enjoyed because of shaky editing or mind numbing stunts. Many people also complained that the suspense in this film is killed because of Wolverine’s immortality. I personally have to disagree and say that the suspense is already killed seeing that it’s a prequel. The combination of bad character development and poor plot also creates a dull and idiotic film (note: I’m not calling the people who like this film idiots, I’m just calling the film itself dumb. No offense to the people who like this movie). Hey, at least it spawned a good video game. (Tomatometer Rating: 36%) Directed by: Gavin Hood

4. Year One

Year One is a movie about two cavemen who are kicked out of their village and so they have to travel the world in ancient times. The trailer for this movie proclaimed that this is a movie about the first road trip and as we all know; road trip movies are at the height of artistic achievement. I should’ve seen the clues that this film was going to be bad, but I thought it might be funny like History of the World Part I. Instead it’s a film that uses shock value for jokes, such as having a character pee on himself (classy). What’s worse is that the jokes that could’ve been funny are ruined by terrible writing. I would give the film the film credit by saying that there were clever moments, but those moments were only funny because of Jack Black. Outside of the bad jokes the film also fails with editing. Most of the scenes in this movie seem unfinished while the others seem to drag on too long. Overall; if you want to see a funny caveman comedy the just rent History of the World Part I (The first ten or so minutes should please you) and avoid Year One. (Tomatometer Rating: 15%) Directed by: Harold Ramis

3. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Hey people! Do you like those brain cells you have? Do you want to keep those as long as possible? Then stay away from this movie! Underworld Rise of the Lycans is the third movie of the Underworld movies and it’s also the prequel to the previous two Underworld movies [Does anyone else notice that there are a lot of prequels this year? (Most of them being bad)]. This one is about the war between werewolves (or more specifically; Lycans) and vampires. That’s about it. There really wasn’t much to this movie at all. The acting is bad, the story is bad, and the effects are bad. The experience from this movie is nothing more then watching somebody play a video game with a bad storyline. I wish I could be more specific on why it sucked, but I really can’t. Writing about this film makes my head hurt. (Tomatometer Rating: 32%) Directed by: Patrick Totopoulos

2. Land of the Lost

There were many immature movies this year. Transformers Revenge of the Fallen and Year One were both very immature films, but the year’s most immature film has to go to Land of the Lost. Land of the Lost is about a scientist played by Will Farrell who discovers some alternate dimension where he and his assistants are trapped. This movie displays the maturity of preteen commenting on YouTube with characters using gay as an antonym for bad, jokes for shocks value, and scenes that are just pointless bickering. Our three main characters are obnoxious, perverted, and bland eye candy. Will Farrell does the same role that he’s been doing for the last dozen films which wouldn’t be bad if the writing was good. Unfortunately the writing is beyond terrible with bad jokes, and a plot that makes no sense. Land of the Lost may be one of my least favorite films on the list, but it’s not bad enough for #1. If you’re wondering what did make #1 on this list then wonder no more and just scroll down a little bit. The answer may surprise you. (Tomatometer Rating: 25%) Directed By: Brad Silberling

1. Inkheart

You probably disagree with me on the choice of worst film of the year, and to be honest I kind of disagree too. I don’t really know which film is the worst of the year, so I measure pros and cons of the movies. While doing this I noticed how I can’t really say that many good things about this movie. With Land of the Lost I could say that I had a few laughs. With Underworld: Rise of the Lycans that I had a few laughs (burn). Inkheart on the other hand; I was never laughing. Inkheart is about these people called Silver Tongues. These Silver Tongues have the gift to bring anything in a book to life just by reading about it. Unfortunately when they read something out of a book something else has to go into the book. The main problem with this movie is that there is consistency. Sometimes when a Silver Tongue reads something out of a book something goes in, other times no. The plot itself also brings up to many questions. Like does the text change if you read something out of a book and something goes in? This question comes to mind because the plot revolves around a Silver Tongue that accidentally read his wife into a book. He travels the world to find a copy of that book (because he had the poor luck to read his wife into a rare book) to read her out. With a plot as bad at this plot holes and unanswered question are constantly generated, so if one is to try to fully figure out the plot then that person’s head would explode. In a way this film has a complex storyline, but not in a good way. The other major problem with this film is that it lacks entertainment value, so even if I ignore the difficult plot I couldn’t enjoy it. Also add in some clichés and unlikable characters; and you get one of the worst movies of the year. Despite putting it at #1, I still don’t think it is the worst movie of the year. The reason that it’s at #1 is that I feel that it is the perfect way to end this list of crap. (Tomatometer Rating: 39%) Directed by: Iain Softley

 

There it is; the list of the worst movies of 2009. Looking back I did see a lot of crap, but I did see many good films as well. Why don’t I write about them? I’m going to. The 13 best films of 09 list is coming in a couple of days.

Movies of the Month: November

November came and the holiday season came and a plethora of movies came out in theaters and I saw only two of them ( okay I saw three, but I included the first one in last month’s article). Yes, I saw a disappointing amount of movies, I has just been busy lately. Since I do this almost every month I’m going to still review both of them. Hopefully next month I’ll see a few more.

The Blind Side: The Blind Side is about a southern woman and her family who adopts a poor teen from the ghetto and is able to change his life. Also the teen is good at football. This movie isn’t really that bad, it’s just very generic. It’s a dime a dozen feel good film. Sure, there are funny moments, and Sandra Bullock actually did a good performance, but its just generic. There’s not much to comment on this film because it’s just so generic. Did I mention it was generic.

3 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Fantastic Mr. Fox: Fantastic Mr. Fox is about a fox named Mr. Fox (surprise) who stole livestock from three farmers named Boggis, Bunce, and Bean. However, the three farmers soon discovered the hole where Mr. Fox and his family lives, and starts digging it up. The story is how the Foxes evade them. This movie is based on a book written by Roald Dahl who also wrote Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. First, I have to say that the book this is based on is my favorite Roald Dahl book. The movie on the other hand, I really, really, really, really, really, really, really like. Yes I like this movie. First thing I like is the animation; the stop motion is superb and unique. The second thing I like is the humor; the dry humor would put even the most stuck up person in a good mood. The final and most important thing I like is the story. The writers took the story and expanded not only the beginning but also the end. I recently reread the book and I nitpicked a little and found a few problems. The writers must of done the same because every problem with the book was fixed in the movie. An example would be that most of characters in the book are bland. In the movie on the other hand, the characters are one of the best contributing factors. In the end, this movie is not only better then the book, but in my opinion better the Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Sure, Willy Wonka is a classic, but I like this movie so much more. This is one of the best films of the year and I think it deserves;

5 out of 5 Stars

Conclusion:

This month was good, despite seeing very few films I really enjoyed it. It seems the advantage of seeing a few films is that you avoid the bad ones.

Possible Best List Nominees: Fantastic Mr. Fox.

Possible Worst List Nominees: Not really anything.

Movies of the Months: September & October (and a little bit of November)

Sorry for being a month late; I just have been really busy (in the loosest meaning of the word “Busy”). I was late to do last month’s article, so decided to procrastinate a little longer. Seeing that September & October are both filler months; I decided to review the movies of both of those months just to save time ( I also did a film I saw recently in November because I’m a big procrastinator) . Enjoy.

GI Joe: Rise of Cobra: This movie technically came out in August, but  because I didn’t see it until September so I’m including it. This movie is probably my favorite bad movie to come out this year. What I mean is that it’s so bad that it’s funny. Pair many unintentionally moments with numerous plot holes, and clichés and we have this movie. Despite it being so bad; I’m going to give it two stars because I did have a good time watching it.

2 out of 5 Stars

  9: Before this movie came out; I went on YouTube and found the original Oscar nominated short it was based on. The short was pretty good, unfortunately, it might of damaged my opinion on the film itself. The movie seemed to change some of the story of the short including the ending. Character development in this film was poorly done. The short had better character development then this film and the short was only ten minutes long and had no dialogue. In fact; it seemed that 9 and 5 seemed to have exchanged personalities. There were also some nonsensical moments and the film felt like it had little story. This is better then most of the films I saw this year; but still not great.

2 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs: The only thing I could really say about this film was that it was hilarious. Sure the story isn’t great, and I spotted a couple of continuity issues, but this is one of the funniest films of the year.

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Invention of Lying: This movie has a very creative storyline. It takes place in an alternative universe where people have to tell the truth. Ricky Gervais plays a man who has just invented the lie. The movie does cover most of the bases on how our world would be different if everybody had to tell the truth. This is very well written, and pretty entertaining. My only real problem is that I felt the movie didn’t take as much advantage on the storyline that it could’ve. It takes a dramatic turn too early in the film, and I just felt it could’ve been funnier. It also takes some bold leaps by saying that religion is practically a lie. It’s a good film, but I liked Gervais’ last film Ghost Town better then this.

4 out of 5 Stars

  The Informant: Based on a true story; The Informant is about a man who becomes an informant for the FBI. The trailer made me think that this film would be funnier, but in the end it wasn’t that funny. During the whole film the main character narrates random stuff. This was funny at first, but it soon became repetitive. I do like the fact that they keep playing 60’smusic in the background. Even though it took place in the 90’s. (?) Overall it was a bit of an uneventful slow film, but it was still good. Just not great.

3 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Whip It: I thought this movie was just okay. There were parts that were funny, and it is decently directed, but it was just so generic and the entertainment value is adequate. It’s better then the conventional sports movie, but it still isn’t great.

3 out of 5 Stars

Where the Wild Things Are: I really liked this movie. The cinematography is great, the music is wonderful, characters are fleshed out, the effects are great, and the story is well put together. Some can argue that this film lacks plot at times, but the film is so well made that it’s entertaining despite that ( In my opinion. Some people I know that saw this thought it was boring). I can’t really recommend it; but I thought it was a good movie, and I hope you do too.

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Zombieland: This was a pretty funny and entertaining film. It was probably one of the few films that was better then I expected. Now I’m not a zombie movie fan so there might have been a reference or two that went over my head, but I still liked it.

4 out of 5 stars

A Christmas Carol: This story has been adapted hundreds of times. Every person thought this story needed an adaption from Mickey Mouse to the Muppets. I don’t really blame them though, because its a good story. On the film itself; I think this is one of the better Christmas Carols. The animation is good and so is the voice acting. It is actually a darker film then I expected, but at times its childish with slapstick humor. Overall this is a great movie. The only problem is that this story has been adapted so much that it no longer has any impact.

4 out of 5 Stars

Overall these were a couple of okay months; some good, some bad. I hope you enjoy this article and take my film recommendations.

Best List Nominees: Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs and Where the Wild Things Are.

Worst List Nominees: GI Joe and maybe 9.

Movies of the Month: August 2009

Summer is officially over and overall the Blockbusters were just adequate. May and June gave us some real crappy movies, but July was good. Does August add more bad movies to the mix or does it give us some decent films? Lets find out:

G-Force: G-Force about a team of secret agent Guinea Pigs wasn’t as bad as I expected. I expected something really stupid, but this was just okay. The film was actually pretty funny. Sure it doesn’t make sense that a Guinea Pigs that live in pet shops somehow are able to make pop culture jokes. Even though the plot is stupid; it still comes out to being a decent film.

3 out of 5 Stars

The Hurt Locker: The Iraq War is a very touchy setting for a film and most films that are about the Iraq War (Outside of Documentaries) are critically panned. The Hurt Locker isn’t most films about the Iraq War. It is the story of a soldier in the army who’s main job is to defuse bombs. The film is good at being extremely suspenseful, developing round characters, and telling a good story. One thing I like about it is the fact that they don’t give special treatment for big actors. They don’t give big actors the biggest parts to advertise the movie, nor do they try to give them as much screen time as possible. There are only 2 big named actors in the movie and both of them only have about 5 minutes on screen. Another thing I like is the music editing. The editing for the music is so good that music actually blends in with the background and is barely noticeable. The only problem I have with this movie is that some scenes seem rather pointless, and it might be dull at parts.

4 1/2 out 5 Stars

    District 9: District 9 is a film that thinks outside of the box and gives us something unique. Many you already know that this film is a fake documentary about aliens, but the film isn’t filmed entirely in the style of a documentary. When the film isn’t a documentary it does get a little clichéd. Also the film does have a moment or two that doesn’t make sense, but it is still a good movie. It is entertaining and the story plays out really well.

4 out of 5 Stars

Ponyo: I am unfamiliar with the works of Hayao Miyazaki, but from what I hear he’s a good director. This film is like The Little Mermaid but better. It’s about the princess of the goldfish who falls in love with a little boy and wants to turn human. This film is a very imaginative and cute. The animation for this film is so good that this movie could be called a moving painting instead of a moving picture. My only real problem with this movie is that it doesn’t always make sense. It’s not that the moments themselves are weird, but how people react to those moments.

4 out of 5 Stars

Inglorious Basterds: Like Hayao Miyazaki I am unfamiliar with the works of Quentin Tarantino, so Inglorious Basterds is the first film I saw that was made by him. I have to say that if all of his films were like this one then he deserves his reputation. Inglorious Basterds has to be my favorite movie of the year so far. There is nothing I find wrong with it, and its as entertaining as hell. Its both funny and has a great story at the same time. Sure sometimes the music is over the top but that’s part of its ingenuity.

5 out of 5 Stars

Overall, this was a pretty good movie month. I didn’t really see anything really crappy (that’s probably because I avoided G I Joe) and I saw some really great films.

Possible Best List Nominees: Inglourious Basterds, The Hurt Locker, and maybe District 9 and Ponyo.

Possible Worst List Nominees: Not really anything.

Movies of Next Month: September 2009

The Summer is now officially over and we can all go back to school (unless of course you’re already finished school), as a result of less time for kids to spend at the movie theater the less likely to succeed films come out in September. Are all the films that come out in September look like crap? Let’s find out.

Extract (9-4-09)

Story: A manager of a nut factory is having a hard time in his life. An accident at the factory results in a lawsuit, his wife is cheating on him, and he just isn’t happy. This movie a comedy about his life.

Worth Seeing?: The biggest draw to this movie is that  it’s directed by Mike Judge. Mike Judge is the creator of shows like King of the Hill and Bevis and Butthead. He also created cult classics such as Office Space and Idiocracy. It’s really up to you whether this film would be worth your time or not.

All About Steve (9-4-09)

Story: Mary is a woman that has trouble with men, but when she meets a man named Steve she falls in love. She then stalks him.

Worth Seeing?: Most men and myself would probably not like a rom com about a woman stalking a man.  I can’t really speak for women though because I’m not a woman.

Gamer (9-4-09)

Story: In the future there’s a video game with the most realistic graphics around. Why? because the game is actually real life and people are being controlled by these gamers. One of these people are played by Gerald Butler (the “This is Sparta” guy) being controlled by a teenager.

Worth Seeing?: This movie looks a little bit like a stupid action film. The storyline is a bit creative, but the chances are this is another mindless action flick. If you like mindless action films then this might be the movie for you.

9 (9-9-09)

Story: In the future, machines have taken over the world, and humanity is now extinct, and the only living organism (or close to living organism) are 9 sack boys. This is the story of their survival.

Worth Seeing?: Like District 9, this movie is based on a short film. The short film itself is actually really good. Another draw to this movie is that it’s produced by Tim Burton. Sure that only means he pays for the movie, but that also says that this experienced director thought that this was a good movie idea.

Coincidence?: Here’s a bit of a coincidence. This movie called “9” is based on a short film, but one month prior there was a film called “District 9” which was also based on a short. Both films are also directed by the short’s director, but are produced by a big name director. A bit of a coincidence isn’t it?

Whiteout (9-11-09)

Story: Kate Beckinsale is a scientist in an Antarctic base. Its already dangerous enough with the weather, but then people start getting murdered. Spoilers: The murderer isn’t a person at all, its Penguins. They’re mad that there hasn’t been a penguin movie since 2007. Why did Happy Feet become Homicidal?

Worth Seeing?: I am a mystery fan, but I don’t really know how suspenseful a thriller can be when it's named after an office supply.

   Tyler Perry’s I can do Bad All by Myself (9-11-09)

Story: Tyler Perry’s Reoccurring character Madea finds these two kids breaking into her home. She then takes the kids to their closest relative who is their deadbeat aunt who doesn’t want to take care of them.

Worth Seeing?: If you’re a fan of Tyler Perry then this movie might be for you. Otherwise, this film looks like nothing special. We all know how this movie will end and it doesn’t look like the journey to that point looks bland.

   Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (9-18-09)

Story: An ambitious but idiotic inventor in a town that only eats anchovies is trying to invent something revolutionary. He soon. comes up with a invention that turns water into food. When that device gets accidentally launched into the atmosphere, the clouds starts raining food.  But raining food doesn’t come without consequences. 

Worth Seeing?: Based on a classic children's book by the same name. It could be a very funny film, but at the same time it looks like it could easily fail. Only reviews from paid critics and personal pretences could help with whether or not this is a must see film.

Jennifer’s Body (9-18-09)

Story: Jennifer (Megan Fox) is an everyday popular high school girl. Except for the fact that she eats people.

Worth Seeing?: This movie is the be embarrassed about seeing movie of the year. If you go to see this and tell girls that you seen it then you probably wouldn’t get dates from those girls. What I’m saying is that the only draw to Jennifer’s Body is Megan Fox’s body. Diablo Cody thinks that the fact that she wrote it is another draw to this film, but no. Juno in my opinion was a slightly overrated. With that said; the credentials  of writing Juno doesn’t guarantee that Jennifer’s Body would be well written. Why? Because Jennifer’s Body is a lot different then Juno. Writing a heart warming tale doesn’t imply that you could write a good horror comedy. The chances are; Juno was just a fluke, and people are only going to Jennifer’s Body for eye candy.

The Informant (9-18-09)

Story: Matt Damon is playing a rising star in a big company. But when the FBI asks him to be their informant, then he goes undercover to gather evidence against his company. Unfortunately for the FBI; he isn’t the best informant.

Worth Seeing?: When I first heard of a movie about Matt Damon being an informant and going undercover; I thought that it was a drama/Thriller. Then I saw the trailer and saw that this was a comedy, a hilarious looking comedy.

Fame (9-25-09)

Story: Fame follows the story of students of the New York City High School of Performing Arts. That’s pretty much it.

Worth Seeing?: This movie looks like a life film. What’s a life film? Its films about that are not really about anything except life. With that said; Fame could easily be boring for a person that isn’t in to this type of movie. What I mean is that non-musical fans might not like this movie.

Invention of Lying (9-25-09)

Story: In an alternative reality where everybody tells the truth and nothing but the truth, one man has just invented the lie. He then uses his invention to his advantage.

Worth Seeing?: The movie’s storyline is very creative and makes for a good comedy. It stars and is directed by British comedian Ricky Gevais, and judging by last year’s Ghost Town he is a very funny comedian. This will probably be good.

Surrogates (9-25-09)

Story: In the future; people have became even lazier and decided to instead of living life themselves they take control of robots called Surrogates to live life for them. The effect of this is that crime is now a thing of the past. Its perfect until the first murder in 15 year occurs and FBI agent Greer (yes Greer) discovers a huge conspiracy.

Worth Seeing?: This film looks okay. It doesn’t look too good, doesn’t look too bad. It could go either way.

Bad Book Report: Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein

  Hello Mellow Filmmaker here.

Throughout history there were books that innovated story telling for ages to come, Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein was one of them. Frankenstein is a story most people know about a scientist making a monster that just wants to be loved. The book is hailed as an innovation in the horror genre; never before had monsters been represented in a sympathetic manor. While it is innovated it does have problems which is why it is a subject for a Bad Book Report.

Volume 1:

The edition of Frankenstein I’ve read has the first fourth of the book comprised of the history of the novel. I didn’t bother reading all of it, but the little I did read told me that the book was actually critically panned when it first came out. Anyway on to the story; the book starts with few letters from a sailor R. Walton to his sister Mrs Saville. Most of what we learn from these letters is back story that would no doubt be pointless, and the fact that Walton can’t find a friend as intellectual as he is. In the fourth letter something finally happens that moves along the plot. The ship that Walton is a sailor on, is sailing through the arctic when they found a man on a sledge drawn by dogs. They take the man in there ship because he’s freezing and starving. We learn that while the man lives on the ship Walton figures out that this man was the friend he was looking for. At the end of the letter the stranger sits down with Walton to tell his back story and why he’s here.

Okay for those of you who are wondering; yes this stranger is Dr. Victor Von Frankenstein, but the problem is that the book doesn’t tell us this until a few chapters in. Which when I would think of a character telling his life story I would think it would start with him telling us his name. The funny thing is that his name is not even said in a reveal of any kind it was just said in a regular conversation.

Anyway since it’s no longer letters but a character telling a story now the chapters are called chapters instead of letters. Frankenstein starts off by telling us how his parents met. Yes, Frankenstein is really starting from the beginning. Okay so the next four chapters tell us his whole life story up until this point. We learn  about his siblings including his adoptive sister Elizabeth (who for some reason is called his cousin Elizabeth), his childhood friends, the death of his mother, and the fact that he found a fascination for science. The character back story goes on for four and a half chapters. After that Frankenstein then decides he wants to reanimate life into dead tissue, and then he creates a monster. That last sentence pretty much summed up the creation of Frankenstein’s monster.The book goes into minimal buildup or detail into the monster’s creation. Which is ironic because the book spent so much time telling the back stories of Frankenstein and Walton, yet the creation of the monster it self seems rushed. When I read it I thought maybe I skipped a couple of pages, but no I didn’t.

After Frankenstein created the monster he runs out of his apartment (yes he created it in his apartment) where he runs into his childhood friend Henry. Henry tells Victor that his family is worried about him because he doesn’t write. Victor then takes Henry to his apartment. Victor fears that his monster is still in his apartment, but it turns out that the monster left. Victor then has a breakdown so his friend Henry takes care of his illness. While Victor is being taken care of, he starts sending letters to his family. He learns that his sister, duh… I mean cousin Elizabeth is doing fine but his father is getting older and weaker. A couple of years later he gets a letter telling him that his younger brother William has been murdered.

Frankenstein immediately went to his hometown and it ends up that a family friend named Justine ( Justine is a girl so I think her name is pronounced Jus-Teen and not Jus-Tin) has been arrested for William’s murdered. Why they arrest her is that they find a picture of William’s mother in Justine’s dress, but Victor knows right away that Justine is innocent and the real killer is the monster of his creation. I know that it’s only natural to blame yourself for a family member’s death but I do have to say that the chances of the monster killed William are very low. First of all how would the monster know where you live to get revenge on you? I mean you probably had records of where you lived in your apartment but how would a monster know to read papers and get revenge on your family. Plus the monster probably would be illiterate for being just born so he can’t read on where you live. Even if he does know where you live; how would he know that William was your brother. Even if you kept a painting of him, William's appearance would be different since Victor hasn’t seen him in 6 years.

Justine is then held on trial which to be honest, it wouldn’t be hard to prove that Justine was innocent. First; she had no motive to kill one of her friends. Second; William was strangled to death, seeing that Justine and William were around the same age it would be hard for Justine to overtake William unless Justine was extremely strong and William was a complete pansy (It was the 1800’s, but still). Third; it ended up that Frankenstein’s Monster did kill William, so I would think that there would be big hand marks on William’s neck, any competent investigator would just see that Justine’s hands are a lot smaller then the markings on William’s neck (assuming that the 7 foot tall monster’s hands are larger then the girl in her mid teen’s hands). But courts in those days completely sucked because Justine is convicted and executed.

Victor, knowing that Justine is innocent, goes off to find the real killer (meaning his monster). It doesn’t take long for Victor to find his monster. When Victor confronts his monster, his monster says that he doesn’t want to fight and has a story to tell. The book then goes into its second volume.

Volume 2:

The volume starts with Frankenstein’s Monster escaping Victor’s apartment and getting some clothing. He walks around and learns that he isn’t liked very much, so he heads to the woods.

He finds a cottage owned by a French family. He makes a hovel for himself and spends the next few months listening to them speaking, by doing this he learns how to speak for himself. Wait! How does the family not notice that there’s a 7 foot tall monster listening in on them. Also, the fact that the monster learns to speak just by listening to the family speak is very absurd. Learning the words and attaching the words to meaning are two completely different things. Plus, the monster (who is narrating this volume) seems to have surprisingly good diction for learning how to speak by listening to people. We also learn that the monster learned how to read by just listening to the family. Yes, because all French families have everyday conversations about the alphabet, and how to connect the letter to words, and connect the words to the meaning. Oh my God! There’s just so many plot holes!

After that onslaught of plot holes we get an entire chapter dedicated to the back story of the French Family. This chapter becomes entirely pointless, because in the next chapter the monster attempts to become a member of the family, and of course terrifies them.

Frankenstein’s Monster then ran off until he finds a little girl drowning in the river. The monster jumps in and save her, but her father immediately grabs her in his arms and runs off. The monster runs after them trying to prove that he is good, but the father shoots the monster.Wait, how can the father shoot the monster with a rifle if he’s carrying the little girl. The book never says that he dropped the little girl and its hard to believe that he would drop his daughter. The father then immediately runs off (Did he take his little girl with him? I don’t know).

The monster is wounded, but soon heals. The monster decides to head off to his creator’s hometown. The book says that the monster know where his creator’s hometown is, because he read where Victor lived in Victor’s apartment, which is impossible because the monster didn’t learn how to read until after he left Victor’s apartment ( Plot Hole #27). 

When Frankenstein’s monster arrives in the town he finds a boy. The monster thinks that this child has lived on this earth not long enough to be prejudiced, so he grabs the child. Then the child says “Hideous Monster! Let me go. My papa is a syndic- he is M. Frankenstein- he will punish you. You dare not keep me.”

Wait so the child is William? But William was in his teens, yet the book describes a little boy  by saying that the child has all the sportiveness of infancy and lived too short a time to be prejudiced. Nobody would think that a teen would be two young to be prejudiced. Also nobody would say someone’s name with replacing their first name with an initial. People do that while writing but not speaking. The funny thing is that William’s father’s name starts with an A and not an M. Is M a title?

After William declares that he is a Frankenstein, the monster strangles him to death. He then takes a picture of William’s mother which was on William, and hides out in a barn where he find Justine sleeping. He then slips a picture of William’s mother into Justine's dress. The monster then runs off and his narration ends.

Frankenstein just sits there staring at his monster, furious at the fact that the monster did commit the murders. The monster requests that he should build him a bride, if he doe this then the monster and his bride would stop harming humans and leave to South America. How does monster even know about South America? Did the French Family have a conversation about it? Getting to South America should also be a real pain seeing that you can’t get their without going on a boat which would have prejudiced humans on it. The Monster tells Frankenstein that if he doesn’t do this then he would harm his loved ones. Then Frankenstein leaves to do the monster’s bidding. Here we leave Volume 2 and enter the third and final volume.

Volume 3:

Frankenstein returns to his hometown to get his father’s consent to go to England. It then ends up that Frankenstein is going to marry Elizabeth after Frankenstein finish his task, wait what! He’s marrying Elizabeth? When did they ever foreshadow him marrying Elizabeth? Sure they it was said that Victor loved her during his back story, but when did he propose? Maybe he did after William's murder, but that would be the worst timing for a proposal. Not to mention that he hasn’t seen Elizabeth for 6 years so just seeing her now and proposing to her is a bit strange. Last but definitely not least, Elizabeth is practically Frankenstein’s sister! I know that their not blood related, but marrying someone who was raised by the same parents as you is pretty sick.

Frankenstein then goes to England and Sweden to get equipment and learn more so he can create a bride for his monster, while going into every single little detail on how beautiful the country is. After the travel guide, Frankenstein obtains a laboratory and starts assembling the bride. He then ponders what he’s doing; thinking that he doesn’t want to release another monster in the world, and maybe the bride would be worse then the first monster. He then has a spazz attack and rips up the body. It ends up that the monster had been following him, and isn’t happy that he went back on his promise. The monster the says “I will be with you on your wedding night,” the monster then runs off.

Frankenstein is frightened at this remark, but he decides to sail back home (he was on a island near Sweden at the time). Frankenstein soon lands on a dock where he greeted by some rude Scottish men who say that he’s committed a crime. He is then arrested and tried for the murder. The trial goes on with witnesses going reciting the account of finding the dead body and somebody sailing away. The funny thing is that during the trial they actually mention the finger marks on the victim’s neck. I would think that if they would just compare the markings on the neck to Frankenstein’s hands then they would see that he didn’t murder the person, but trails back then didn’t really know anything about decisive evidence. The trial decides that they should show the body to Frankenstein to see how he reacts. Yes, because cold hearted killers react when they see the bodies of their victims. They show him body and he sees that it is Henry who is the victim. Frankenstein then reacts in Germen to the body (which is his native language),  and speaking Germen is enough to convince the Scottish that he’s the killer and they arrest him.

A few months go by in prison and then Victor gets a visit from his father who bails him out of prison. Victor’s father then gives Victor a letter from Elizabeth. The letter starts with her saying that they are practically brother and sister ( oh good she finally came to her senses), but it ends with Elizabeth asking if Victor loves another and that’s the reason he’s depressed. One thing I found weird was the Elizabeth says the she’s been getting news about him from her uncle. Does she mean some Uncle of Victor’s or does he mean Victor’s father who is technically her father but could called her uncle because she is referred to as Victor’s Cousin (It’s so confusing). 

Victor then sails back to his hometown with his father and tells Elizabeth that he still loves her and they get married (the joining of the two families: Frankenstein and Frankenstein).

Victor and Elizabeth then sails to an island as a happily married couple/siblings. Victor remembers his monster’s promise so he keeps on his guard carrying a knife and a pistol (wait if you think about why didn’t Victor take a weapon to confront the monster earlier?). While Victor is patrolling the hallways he hears a scream from Elizabeth. He runs and finds out that she was strangled and the monster is running off(Evil Being! How dare he stop Victor from fornicating with his sister!).

Victor then returns to his father to tell him of the bad news. His father is saddened at the news and dies ten days later of an illness. Victor then goes to captain of the police force and tells him the entire story of the monster. The captain replies by saying “I don’t believe your story, there’s just too many plot holes.” Okay fine he didn’t actually say that, he actually believed Victor’s story but doesn’t want to risk his men on attacking a dangerous monster. Victor now on a quest of vengeance, the goes off in search of the monster, up until the part where he was founded by Walton.

The last few chapters are letters from Walton to his sister. The funny thing is that speaks his sister in a very romantic way. Does he feel about his sister the same way Victor felt about Elizabeth? I’ve got a feeling that its worse because their probably blood related! Was making love to your sister not frowned upon back then?

The only groundbreaking thing that happens is that Victor actually dies. After the death we find the monster looming over Victor’s coffin. The monster gives a big speech which I think is suppose to make us feel bad about him. The only thing I feel is relief that this novel is over and I can go and read something better.

To be fair this book isn’t horrible like the last book I’ve done a bad book report on (Breaking Dawn). Its innovative, well written, and not too boring. But behind the innovation I just see a story filled with plot holes and discontinuity.

By the way if you read all of this article, then I say thank you.

 

 

Movies of the Month: July 2009

The summer so far has produced many bad films. It started with the awful X-Men Origins: Wolverine, continued with Terminator Salvation, and the month of June started us off with Land of the Lost. With May and June being such a disaster, will July follow in it’s footsteps? Let’s find out while I review all the films I saw in theaters in the Month of July.

Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs: This was surprising good. Much better then Ice Age 2 and almost as good as the first Ice Age. While the possums are still annoying, Queen Latifah’s character  Elle has became likable, and the new character Buck (voiced by Sean William Scott) is very likable. Plus the action is good but doesn’t take away from the plot. In my opinion this is a very underrated film.

4 out of 5 Stars

The Brothers Bloom: It took awhile for me to see this film, but I finally was able to go see it at a dollar theater. This film was just okay. While at times the film was funny, it didn’t make up for a plot that at times didn’t make sense. Also it was very over the top and the ending didn’t make any sense.

3 out of 5 Stars

Public Enemies: This was good but not great. While it had a good story it just felt very slow. I like the alternative way they filmed it making it seem more realistic at times, but at other times it seemed everything was shoved in your face. It was a likable film none the less.

4 out of 5 Stars

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince: The last Harry Potter film was very disappointing, but the new one makes up for it. Unlike the last time it seemed that this one had time for subplots and not everything was about Harry. The way the film was shot in a very stylish manor which gives direction points to David Yates. The only problem I have with this film was that they toned down the ending so it becomes a little anti-climatic. I heard David Yates took the wizard battles out of the ending because having a wizard battle two films in a row would be repetitive [yes because both films having climaxes is very repetitive (Subtract direction points)].

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

500 Days of Summer: Most films begin at the beginning and end at the end. Others might begin at the end but goes then goes to the beginning through flashback. 500 Days of the Summer defies the convention of chronological story telling, by telling snippets of events that happen in our leading couple’s relationship. It’s shown out of order, but the order it shown through somehow still makes since. Because they decided to do the film in this unique fashion; the film stands out from other independent films. Plus this film is really funny and entertaining. At first glance it seems like a romance film, but trust me when I say that this film is entertaining for both genders (either that or I’m just not that manly).

4 1/2 out 5 Stars

I have to say that this month was better then last month or the month before. More of the films were good and none of them were really crappy. Then again I avoided most of the mainstream films like G-Force & Aliens in the Attic.

Possible Best List Nominees: Harry Potter 6, 500 Days of Summer, maybe Ice Age 3, and maybe Public Enemies.

Possible Worst List Nominees: Didn’t see anything this month that would have a chance of making the 13 worst films of 2009 list.