Hello I’m The Mellow Filmmaker; I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.
2009 is over (if you haven't’ already noticed) and all we can do is look back at all the life changing events that happened during the year. But because I don’t have a life; I could just look at the films I saw. There were some good ones, and there were some bad ones. Today I’m going to write about the bad ones; the ones that disappoint the most, bored the most, and hurt the most. These are the 13 films that make one leave the theater dumbfounded or early. If you disagree with this list; that’s okay. Just don’t insult me or else I’ll add you to the bitch count.
The first Night at the Museum was a charming and funny film. The characters were likable and it is in my opinion; an underrated film. The sequel on the other hand; wasn’t as good. The premise is that our protagonist; Larry Daley, isn’t working at the museum anymore. The museum is now replacing their wax figurines with holograms and is now shipping them to the Smithsonian. Unfortunately the tile that brings the wax figurines to life (okay; I admits that part of the premise is dumb) is shipped to the Smithsonian, so now the entire Smithsonian comes to life. This movie mostly seems like an advertisement for the Smithsonian. The jokes aren’t as good with most being pointless bickering. The only things that saves it from going higher on the list is that it is partly entertaining and has some charm. It’s in my opinion; the best way to start of this list of terrible films from 2009. (Tomatometer Rating: 44%) Directed by: Shawn Levy
Terminator Salvation is a sequel to the successful Terminator that takes place in a post apocalyptic future where humanity is hiding from their robotic enemies. All of the Terminator films until this one took place in modern times because humanities’ robotic enemy SkyNet sent back Terminators to slay the Resistance’s leader John Connor. This one actually takes place in the future where John Connor is trying to start a resistance to defeat SkyNet. With the whole series building up to John Connor’s resistance in the future you would think that this would be a good movie. Instead we have early warning signs like the fact that it is rated PG-13 (when all previous installments were rated R) and the fact that the director goes around using the name McG. Warning signs aside this could still be a good movie. It could’ve been a good movie, but it wasn’t. Instead we get a dull poorly directed action film that doesn’t give us any reason to care. The first major problem is that it’s very unsatisfying. The film pushes elements such as plot just for it to be filled with action scenes. This wouldn’t be so bad except that actions scenes lack any substance or suspense, so the end result is really just a montage of CGI explosions. The second major problem is the characters. Character development is horribly done and the characters are so bland that it is easy to confuse the humans with the robots. With poor character development and no focus on plot the end result of is a pretty tedious movie, a movie tedious enough to land at the #12 spot. (Tomatometer Rating: 32%) Directed by: McG
The International is about an Interpol agent who is trying to solve the mystery of his friend’s death and uncovers a conspiracy about banks funding terrorism. The film actually has good cinematography, and unlike most films on this list; the writers of this film actually seemed to have a brain. Also the shoot out in the museum was one of the better action scenes of the year. The problem with the film is that it’s boring. The film fails to capture the audience’s attention. The plot is also extremely hard to follow, with the audience being in the dark despite knowing more then the characters. Overall, while the film does seem to be well made, I cannot give the film more credit because of its lack of entertainment value so it deserves the #11 spot on this list. (Tomatometer Rating: 58%) Directed by: Tom Tykwer
GI Joe is a terrible movie. The film about a special force called GI Joe taking down a terrorist group named Cobra is filled with so much stupidity and clichés. The plot holes are numerous, and the character development and CGI are sub par. Now a film so bad definitely deserves to be higher on the list, but here’s the thing; this is my favorite film on this list. Now a person would assume that my favorite of these bad films would be the one at the #13 spot, but no. GI Joe is my favorite, because it’s the only film on this list that’s so bad that it’s good. My friend and I were smiling the whole time while watching this movie, because this movie is so stupid that it’s entertaining. The clichés and bad acting at time just had me laughing. I do sympathize with the people that thought that this was going to be a good movie, but I came in with no expectation and came out with a hilarious unintentional comedy. Since this movie did give me a good time; I’m not going to put it at the #10 spot. No higher, no lower. (Tomatometer Rating: 36%) Directed by: Stephen Sommers
What happened to Steve Martian’s career? In the late 70’s and most of the 80’s he was in comedy classics; such as The Jerk, Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid, and the Three Amigos. Now he’s in crap like Cheaper by the Dozen 1 &2 and Pink Panther 1 &2. Pink Panther 2 once again follows Steve Martian as the iconic Inspector Jacque Clouseau who once again has to solve the theft of the Pink Panther. This time he has to work with an international team called the Dream Team to hunt down a thief named the Tornado. The Pink Panther series is known for slapstick humor, but both entries of the remake series seem to not only rely primarily on it, but also do these routines poorly. This is actually the film with the lowest Tomatometer rating, but it is not the worst. I personally feel that most critics are too hard on both of the Pink Panther remakes. Sure they’re stupid and unfunny, but at the same time they’re harmless. Also there are a few jokes that gave genuine laughs that didn’t involve slapstick. Both of these movies are not really underrated just over criticized. Don’t get me wrong this is still a bad movie, just not as bad as people make it out to be. (Tomatometer Rating: 13%) Directed By: Harald Zwart
Do you find the title of this movie funny? No? Then you’re high majority that I’m also a member of. This movie had an extremely low chance of being decent and I saw it anyway. Why? Because in my opinion; any movie is better then just staying at home bored. To be honest this wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but it still sucked. First of all it is stupid, not really surprisingly stupid, but stupid still. The story is really non existent filled with bad jokes. There are moments drama spliced in randomly, but usually any conflict is resolved by the next scene. The effects are really, with decent CGI, but poor attempts to make it seem real. An example of this is that there’s a scene where the chipmunks are in a cage with an eagle. Despite the dialogue suggesting that the eagle wants to eat the chipmunks; the eagle never looks at the chipmunks. In real life the eagle wouldn’t have kept his eyes off the chipmunks. This movie would’ve been higher on the list, but like Pink Panther there might have been a couple of funny parts. (Tomatometer Rating: 22%) Directed By: Betty Thomas
Race to Witch Mountain is a film about a taxi driver who drives aliens disguised as kids to stop the destruction of earth. If the plot alone isn’t enough to keep you off this film then I also have to write that this is a remake. Another bad sign is that it is a Disney live action movie that looks stupid. Dwayne Johnson in another kid’s movie should also be a warning sign, so is the fact that the director also directed the other bad Dwayne Johnson kid’s movie. If you still saw this film after all of that then you are in for a treat! A bad tasting treat! The characters are bland, the premise is stupid, and the editing is really choppy. The story seems to be rushed at times and there’s no reason to care about what’s happening. In short; it’s another stupid kid’s movie. Sure it’s geared towards kids, but why see take your kids to see this when you could take them to a smarter kids film. Such as Coraline, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Up, and Where the Wild Things Are. (Tomatometer Rating: 43%) Directed By: Andy Fickman
This is a very controversial spot for this film. On one end of the spectrum; there are people who like this movie and think that it doesn’t deserve to be on this list at all. On the other end; there are people who think that it should be much higher on the list. Personally it makes this spot on this list because while it does have a plethora of plot holes, constant stupidity, and constant immaturity; I felt it was a step up from the other films of the summer. The truth is; by the point I saw this movie I was already use to seeing bad movies. Maybe if I saw this before other disappointing movies of the summer then it would’ve made it higher on the list. I also put this movie at this spot because it is entertaining if you turn your brain off, which shouldn’t be a requirement for one’s enjoyment. (Tomatometer Rating: 20%) Directed by: Michael Bay
The Mellow Filmmaker is putting X-Men Origins: Wolverine ahead of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen!? How could he!? Well I’ll tell you how I could. This is my list and if any of you insult me for thinking differently then you then you’re going to be added to the bitch count! Sorry about that I just know that complaints will come in droves and I’m just telling those complainers what will happen if they insult me. Now that we got that out of the way let’s go on to the actually review. X-Men Origins Wolverine is about the classic comic book Wolverine and his back story. Wolverine was part of a group of mutant mercenaries. That didn’t end well and years later Wolverine’s brother Sabertooth (Who I heard isn’t Wolverine’s brother in the comic, so this is sort of like a fan faction) is killing all the mutant mercenaries. This plot is actually just a slasher flick with mutants. The main problem with this movie is that it has the worst character development of the year. Most character has only about 5 minutes of screen time and usually serves no purpose other then moving the plot forward. Most of characters are bland (unfortunately including our hero) and I can’t even remember the names of half of them. The plot is also filled with many clichés and holes. The action scenes can’t even be enjoyed because of shaky editing or mind numbing stunts. Many people also complained that the suspense in this film is killed because of Wolverine’s immortality. I personally have to disagree and say that the suspense is already killed seeing that it’s a prequel. The combination of bad character development and poor plot also creates a dull and idiotic film (note: I’m not calling the people who like this film idiots, I’m just calling the film itself dumb. No offense to the people who like this movie). Hey, at least it spawned a good video game. (Tomatometer Rating: 36%) Directed by: Gavin Hood
Year One is a movie about two cavemen who are kicked out of their village and so they have to travel the world in ancient times. The trailer for this movie proclaimed that this is a movie about the first road trip and as we all know; road trip movies are at the height of artistic achievement. I should’ve seen the clues that this film was going to be bad, but I thought it might be funny like History of the World Part I. Instead it’s a film that uses shock value for jokes, such as having a character pee on himself (classy). What’s worse is that the jokes that could’ve been funny are ruined by terrible writing. I would give the film the film credit by saying that there were clever moments, but those moments were only funny because of Jack Black. Outside of the bad jokes the film also fails with editing. Most of the scenes in this movie seem unfinished while the others seem to drag on too long. Overall; if you want to see a funny caveman comedy the just rent History of the World Part I (The first ten or so minutes should please you) and avoid Year One. (Tomatometer Rating: 15%) Directed by: Harold Ramis
Hey people! Do you like those brain cells you have? Do you want to keep those as long as possible? Then stay away from this movie! Underworld Rise of the Lycans is the third movie of the Underworld movies and it’s also the prequel to the previous two Underworld movies [Does anyone else notice that there are a lot of prequels this year? (Most of them being bad)]. This one is about the war between werewolves (or more specifically; Lycans) and vampires. That’s about it. There really wasn’t much to this movie at all. The acting is bad, the story is bad, and the effects are bad. The experience from this movie is nothing more then watching somebody play a video game with a bad storyline. I wish I could be more specific on why it sucked, but I really can’t. Writing about this film makes my head hurt. (Tomatometer Rating: 32%) Directed by: Patrick Totopoulos
There were many immature movies this year. Transformers Revenge of the Fallen and Year One were both very immature films, but the year’s most immature film has to go to Land of the Lost. Land of the Lost is about a scientist played by Will Farrell who discovers some alternate dimension where he and his assistants are trapped. This movie displays the maturity of preteen commenting on YouTube with characters using gay as an antonym for bad, jokes for shocks value, and scenes that are just pointless bickering. Our three main characters are obnoxious, perverted, and bland eye candy. Will Farrell does the same role that he’s been doing for the last dozen films which wouldn’t be bad if the writing was good. Unfortunately the writing is beyond terrible with bad jokes, and a plot that makes no sense. Land of the Lost may be one of my least favorite films on the list, but it’s not bad enough for #1. If you’re wondering what did make #1 on this list then wonder no more and just scroll down a little bit. The answer may surprise you. (Tomatometer Rating: 25%) Directed By: Brad Silberling
You probably disagree with me on the choice of worst film of the year, and to be honest I kind of disagree too. I don’t really know which film is the worst of the year, so I measure pros and cons of the movies. While doing this I noticed how I can’t really say that many good things about this movie. With Land of the Lost I could say that I had a few laughs. With Underworld: Rise of the Lycans that I had a few laughs (burn). Inkheart on the other hand; I was never laughing. Inkheart is about these people called Silver Tongues. These Silver Tongues have the gift to bring anything in a book to life just by reading about it. Unfortunately when they read something out of a book something else has to go into the book. The main problem with this movie is that there is consistency. Sometimes when a Silver Tongue reads something out of a book something goes in, other times no. The plot itself also brings up to many questions. Like does the text change if you read something out of a book and something goes in? This question comes to mind because the plot revolves around a Silver Tongue that accidentally read his wife into a book. He travels the world to find a copy of that book (because he had the poor luck to read his wife into a rare book) to read her out. With a plot as bad at this plot holes and unanswered question are constantly generated, so if one is to try to fully figure out the plot then that person’s head would explode. In a way this film has a complex storyline, but not in a good way. The other major problem with this film is that it lacks entertainment value, so even if I ignore the difficult plot I couldn’t enjoy it. Also add in some clichés and unlikable characters; and you get one of the worst movies of the year. Despite putting it at #1, I still don’t think it is the worst movie of the year. The reason that it’s at #1 is that I feel that it is the perfect way to end this list of crap. (Tomatometer Rating: 39%) Directed by: Iain Softley
There it is; the list of the worst movies of 2009. Looking back I did see a lot of crap, but I did see many good films as well. Why don’t I write about them? I’m going to. The 13 best films of 09 list is coming in a couple of days.
No comments:
Post a Comment