The Oscars are over and I just have to say that I’m glad that Slumdog Millionaire, my favorite movie of 2008 won 8 awards including best picture and best original song -- Jai Ho baby. But let’s not talk about the 2009 Oscars because that’s in the past. Instead let’s talk about the future; specifically the future of films within next month.
March 2009 looks like a decent movie month. Seems like there’s a selection of films to see. Let’s wait to see if they’re going to be good or not.
13. Oil Finger (Quantum of Solace): One of the most famous scenes of all the Bond films was in Gold Finger when James Bond discovers a bond girl dead across the bed covered in gold. Quantum of Solace the newest bond film James Bond discovers a bond girl dead across the bed covered in oil. Now this scene is suppose to be a joke saying that oil is the new gold. I don’t mean to bash the writers but I don’t think the discovery of a dead person is an appropriate time to make jokes. Also the oil is the new gold joke is now dated since gas prices have lowered. They tried to pay homage but instead embarrassed themselves.
12. Hulk throw far (Incredible Hulk): The Incredible hulk wasn’t a bad film but it had its moments. One of those moments came at the beginning where the army sent a team of specialist after the Hulk. The Hulk picks up a giant metal crate and then throws it at on of the specialist. Now usually when somebody throws something at someone the scene is only a few seconds long but not in the Incredible Hulk. In this film the specialist runs while the crate is thrown in the air towards him and follows him for two minutes.
11. Magnetic Pea (Be Kind Rewind): In Be Kind Rewind a character played by Jack Black sneaks into a power plant and gets zapped. He then gets magnetized and all metal objects go towards him. A day later he pees in the street and the pee is flowing through the street magnetized and is green. That’s pretty dumb.
10. Excellent Phone Reception (Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D): In Journey to the center of the earth 3D an explorer and his nephew travel to the center of the earth. While in the center guess what happens. The nephew’s mom calls him on a cell phone and he picks up the phone and answer. What phone service do they use? What phone service is so good that their phones can get signals in the center of the earth?
9. Catty sack (Don’t mess with the Zohan): Don’t Mess with the Zohan is a very silly film and some of the silly jokes are funny. But there’s one scene where Zohan and one of his friends is playing hacky sack with a cat. This scene has no relevance to the plot and isn’t funny. It’s just weird.
8. Magic Trick (The Dark Knight): The Dark Knight is a great film with good editing, good acting, and good story. Most people say it’s the best film of 2008 which I disagree. But I do have to say that the Dark Knight had one of the most original and creative scenes of the year. It’s when the Joker is talking to the mobsters and one of the mobsters tells his goon to rip the Joker’s head off. The Joker sticks a pencil on the table and says “how about a magic trick, I will make this pencil disappear”. The goon runs at the Joker and the Joker grabs his head and slams in on the pencil. The Pencil goes into his eye. That’s not the strange part; the strange part is that it was the dull end of the pencil. I have a talent for predicting what happens in movies which made most of the Joker’s plans not surprising but the pencil scene just completely surprised me.
7. Soup heals famine (Tales of Despereaux): In tales of Despereaux there’s a kingdom that use to obsess over soup. Then the queen died because a rat fell in her soup. The king then banned soup from the entire kingdom. The kingdom then falls into a huge depression where it never rained. At the end of the movie the head chief finally says screw the law I’m making soup. When this happens all the people in the kingdom smell the soup and everyone’s happy. It doesn’t stop there the smell of the soup goes into the sky and it starts raining. I didn’t know soup was the answer to drought and famine. That’s our answer to global warming; we need to make more soup.The movie was still good but the soup thing was pretty stupid. Also the book was better mostly because it wasn’t as much about soup. (Note: how many times soup was used in this paragraph: 12)
6. I’m the big one (Transporter 3): Transporter 3 is a very ridiculous movie. The most ridiculous part comes after the fight scene where our hero Frank Martin beats up 10 guys and then a really big guy comes in and here’s what they said.
5. Retards (Tropic Thunder): Not all weird and stupid film moments have to happen in the film. Sometimes it what people say outside of the film that makes no sense. Like the controversy surrounding the movie Tropic Thunder. Now if you think that Tropic Thunder caused controversy you’re probably thinking “oh people are complaining that Robert Downy Jr. is playing an African American”. But no people are complaining saying that the film is offensive to the retarded (they should know). In the film Ben Stiller does play an actor who played a retarded person named Simple Jack but they didn’t like go over the top with it and it’s very subtle. That makes me think that there’s a controversy committee that find things to complain about. Here’s how their meeting went:
4. Yeti bowl (Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor): This weird moment comes when our heroes are followed by soldiers wanting to kill them. Their Asian friend then yells some Chinese and then Yetis come down and help them. They even play football with the soldiers. Now the Yetis came out of nowhere and the whole fight is pretty stupid. Ironically the same day I saw this I saw Harry and the Hendersons. This is a movie where Yetis (or Bigfoot) is sweet and wouldn’t hurt a fly.
3. Mutt king of the Apes (Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull): I’ve talked about this movie a lot telling you about the Alien filled ending that would’ve ruined the film but the film sucked without it. This film is filled with moments that are qualified for this list but I would have to say that the weirdest moment is during the car chase scene in the jungle where Mutt is caught on a vine and monkeys then come down. When this happened I thought “Oh we’re going to learn that Mutt’s scared of monkeys seeing that his father’s afraid of snakes and his grandfather’s afraid of rats”. But no instead Mutt swings through the air like Tarzan with the monkeys following him.
2. That stupid twist (Hancock): Hancock is the type of movie where the plot changes midway through the film and it’s like you’re watching two movies. Usually these types of films are good but Hancock was an exception. The first half was bad but not horrible but then the twist happened. The twist is that Superheroes are built in pairs and if the pairs are near each other they start losing their powers. That twist is very stupid and complicated and ended up starting the downfall of this film.
1. Thank the lord he can drive (Twilight): The weirdest moment of the entire year of films in 08(at least in the films I’ve seen) is a very subtle but it defies the laws of science. It happens when Edward’s leaving Bella’s house and he’s driving down the road while Billy (who hates Edward) is driving past him giving him the evil eye. The first thing wrong with this scene is the expression on Billy’s face, it’s hilarious. The second thing wrong with this scene is the fact the Billy is in the driver seat. What’s wrong with this? Billy is crippled. Crippled means you are paralyzed from the waist down which means you can’t push the pedals making this scene impossible.
7. Missed a perfect joke opportunity (Horton Hears a Who): based on the popular Dr. Seuss book; Horton Hears a Who is about an elephant named Horton (Voiced by Jim Carry) who hears a tiny world that’s living on a spec on a clover. On the world there’s Whoville (yep the same one that got Christmas stolen from them by the Grinch) led by their Mayor (voiced by Steve Carrel) who has an emo son named Jojo. The climax comes at the end where a kangaroo is trying to destroy the clover because it’s absurd that there’s a tiny world, so the people in Whoville have to break the sound barrier so they know that there really is a world there. All the whos are yelling but then the Mayor gets his son Jojo to go and yell. I know what’s going to happen he’s going to have a really high pitched voice and it’s going to be hilarious. So Jojo yells and he doesn’t have a high pitched voice in fact he’s voiced by Jesse freaken McCartney. His voice still breaks the sound barrier but you have to think “What the hell you just missed a perfect joke opportunity”. Not only would Jojo having a high pitched voice not only would’ve been hilarious but it would’ve made sense that his voice would’ve broke the sound barrier.
6. What just happened? (Appaloosa): I saw this movie recently and I have to say that this is a movie that would’ve definitely made my worst movie list if I saw it before I made it. Appaloosa is about two lawmen who clean up the town of Appaloosa, New Mexico. They get trouble by a rancher played by Jeremy Irons. At the end Jeremy Irons gets pardoned by the President of the United States so one of the lawmen just go into a bar asked him to a shootout in the street. The lawman wins and he rides off into the sunset. Two things crossed my mind one was “What just happened?” two was “oh how clichéd”.
5. Sing an explosive song (Don’t Mess with the Zohan): Don’t Mess with the Zohan is about an Israeli counter terrorist who fakes his own death so he could do hair in New York. His past ends up catching up with him when an Arabian terrorist comes and finds him. But soon the Israeli and Arabs living in New York have to work together against a New York business man trying to kick them out. I liked the whole enemies working together against one big enemy but it’s soon ruined when one of the guys the New York business man hired gets some explosive and a cage of puppies and threatens to blow up the puppies. So Zohan and his rival named the Phantom sing some Middle Eastern Hymn which ends up blowing up the block and saving the puppies. Now this movie was intentionally stupid but this part was just plain retarded.
4. Mummies were soon discovered in Peru (Mummy 3): The Mummy 3’s climax was very clichéd and isn’t really anything special but what I want to talk about is at the very end when the comic relief character named Jonathan is getting in a taxi. Jonathon says that he’s tired of mummies so he’s going to where there are no mummies, he’s going to Peru. This joke was funny but then some words appear on the screen saying “soon after Mummies were discovered in Peru”. That is completely stupid. It’s like when someone tells a joke and then explains why it was funny; it doesn’t make it funnier it just ruins the joke.
3. We wanted to see you get killed a second ago but now we like you (Drillbit Taylor): If you read my blog so far then you would know that I absolutely hated Drillbit Taylor and along my line of hatred is the ending of Drillbit Taylor. The ending has the nerds that were being picked on going to go fight the bullies. Everybody in their school is there to watch them get beaten up. So as we might suspect the nerds beat the bullies with the help of Drillbit Taylor and after that happened the nerds now enjoy their new popularity. Now this ending has poor morals because it teaches you that you have to do something great for people to like you. The only thing good about this ending is the fact that it means that the film is over.
2. You have to take the fall Batman (The Dark Knight): The Dark Knight is a well written movie but the ending to it is one of the worst of the year. What happens is that Harvey Dent who is now Two-Face wants to kill Gordon and his family, but Batman comes just in time and tackles Harvey Dent making him fall to his death. Gordon says that they can’t tell the people that Harvey Dent is a murderer because it will make people lose hope so Harvey’s crimes are pinned on Batman. So let me get this strait, instead of having the people learn that a harmless late attorney was a murderer you’ll instead have them learn that a guy who lurks in the shadow, beats people to a pulp, has a plethora of fighting tools, and is very much alive is evil. Yeah no wonder you’re the commissioner.
1. Aliens ruin everything (Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull): You’ve probably already heard about this ending so let me explain in short. The crystal skull belongs to aliens so they go into the temple return the crystal skull and the aliens come back to life, kill the Russians, and go with their spaceship into space. Dumbest ending of the year. 
