Movies of Next Month: May 2009

This Movies of Next Month will be different then the other ones because May is the official start of the summer which brings a whole bunch of films. So this one will definitely be a bigger post then the others. Enjoy.

X-Men Origin: Wolverine (Release Date: 5-1-09): I already went over the X-men franchise in a recent post so I don’t have to say that this film is definitely a film that I want to see. I know that the ending is going to be predictable and it’s not going to have symbolism and all that stuff, but if they do it right then it could be this year's Ironman.

Battle for Terra (Release Date: 5-1-09): This film is about the Earth being destroyed so the humans go and attack this peaceful planet called Terra so they con conquer it. I do find it interesting that the humans are the villains but on the other hand it does seem stupid. Parents could take the kids to it to keep them satisfied until “Up” but probably to the parent’s displeasure.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (Release Date: 5-1-09): I don’t think I could really comment on this film because it’s obviously not intended for my gender. I’ll just have to say that while the boys see Wolverine the girls would see this.

Star Trek (Release Date: 5-8-09): I’m not a Star Trek fan, everything I know about it is the stuff the stuff that’s in pop culture. I do have to say that this movie does looks cool (in a nerdy kind of way), but if it got bad reviews then I wouldn’t be disappointed. There is one thing that I am interested in finding out though, and that is; how did Captain Kirk start talking in sentence fragments?

Angels & Demons (Release Date: 5-15-09): The Da Vinci Code has a sequel? But that films went on for so long and was so boring that I couldn’t believe that it could have a sequel. Let’s see if this film is a win or snooze.

The Brothers Bloom (Release Date: 5-15-09): This film about a couple of brothers trying to con a kooky Heiress looks like it has both comedy and story. Hopefully I’ll be able to see a good independent film in between razor clawed mutants and killer robots.

Terminator Salvation (Release Date: 5-21-09): I can’t really comment on this film because I haven’t seen any of the terminator films. I’ll have to see those before I see this.

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (Release Date: 5-22-09): The first Night at the Museum was great, so the sequel might be great. The only thing that can screw up this film is the whole sequel factor.

Dance Flick (Release Date: 5-22-09): I think this film looks funny but could end up completely stupid. It’s made by the Wayans brothers which make good spoof films. It’s funny that this is called Dance Flick instead of Dance Movie because they don’t want to get confused with the creators of such films like Scary movie 3&4, Epic Movie, Date Movie, Superhero Movie, and Disaster movie. Might be stupid or might be a funny spoof, only reviews will tell.

Up (Release Date: 5-29-09): The chances that this film would be bad are very low. First reason why is this film is made by Pixar which hasn’t made a bad film yet (Wall-E in my opinion was overrated but it wasn’t a bad movie), I mean saying that a Pixar film will suck is like saying that a kid that always tells the truth is lying (There is still a possibility but it’s very low). Even without Pixar’s credentials this film looks great. It seems very funny, adventurous, and charming. I like that instead of conveying an environmental message, Pixar instead takes us on an adventure, and I’ll probably go on that adventure with the old man and his flying house.

Overall this seems like a great movie month, I mean there’s literally something to every week. Also I’ve notice that there seems to be a theme this month. The theme is prequels, there’s a prequel to X-men, a prequel to Star Trek, and a prequel to Terminator (Sort of).

Bad Book Report: Breaking Dawn

Hello Mellow Filmmaker here

I’m going to do a new series of my blog called Bad Book Reports where I do a book report on terrible books. Now bad books aren’t as infamous as bad movies mostly because movies are a big part of popular culture while books are more ignored. People really don’t hear of terrible books just boring books but I do have to say that bad books are worse then bad movies, because if you watch a bad movie all the way through then you might waste a few hours, but if you read a bad book all the way through then you might waste a few days. Anyway, to start off the series I’m going to review one of the worst books I’ve ever read Breaking Dawn.

Breaking Dawn is the final installment of the famous Twilight series. This series has gained a huge fan base of squealing girls and has been named as the new Harry Potter. I honestly think the series is very overrated, the first two were just mediocre but the third one was good. The only reason I’ve read the entire series is the fact that despite its stupidity the series is very addicting

Before I review Breaking Dawn I’m going to have to go over the back story that applies in this book. The first book in the series, Twilight, is about a girl named Bella Swan who falls in love with a vampire named Edward Cullen. Edward lives with his family (or coven); his family members are named Charlise, Esme, Emmet, Rosalina, Alice, and Jasper. Alice also has the ability to predict the future and Jasper has the ability to make people feel better. They starts falling in love and then three vampires named James, Laurent, and Victoria try to kill Bella. They are all three killed over the course of the three books. In the second book New Moon, Edward leaves because he thinks that he’s putting Bella in danger. Bella then makes friends with Jacob Black who is one of my favorite characters and a werewolf. We learn that werewolves can transform anytime they want, read each others thoughts, and imprint on people. Imprinting if you’re wondering is when a werewolf falls in love with a person on first site. Also werewolves hate vampires. Soon Bella is reunited with Edward and we are introduced to the Volturis a sort of vampire mafia. The third book Eclipse, a lot of loose ends were tied up, but nothing really happened that is relevant to Breaking Dawn except the fact that Edward proposed to Bella. Also the werewolves and vampires are now friend. Yes, this story is as stupid as it sounds. Now that we have the back story lets go on to the review.

Book 1: Bella review

Edward and Bella get married right away. So that means Bella going to be turned right away and this book are about her early years as a vampire. This book might be interesting after all seeing that was what Bella wanted during the course of three books. Jacob then shows up at the wedding to be a friend to Bella but then freaks out at the thought that they might make love on their honeymoon and tries to kill Edward.

After the attempted murder, Edward and Bella traveled to an island named after Esme and made love. She didn’t describe it but the next morning might freak you out.

“What had happened to me I couldn’t make sense of the fluffy white snow that clung to my skin.”

Ewwww I knew this book was going to be raunchy but not that raunchy

“I shook my head and a cascade of white drifted out of my hair.”

How did he get it in her hair?

“I pinched one soft white bit between my fingers. It was a piece of down. Why am I covered in feathers? I asked confused.”

Oh. The white stuff is feathers…. Awkward.

Okay so apparently Edward is rough during sex and bit open a pillow or two. So after that we get two chapters of nothing except a new revelation that Bella starts to want to go to college and put off being turned into a vampire. Why you ask? Well she wants to put off being a vampire because she likes to be living her best human experience, Sex. Yeah that’s a good thing to have in a book where the main readers are teenage girls.

You’re pretty much saying, hey girls the best human experience isn’t family, sleep, food or sunlight. No it’s sex. So go ahead try it right away and as much as possible.

After two chapters you get a big revelation.

She’s pregnant


Book 2: Jacob review

Okay so in Book 2 of Breaking Dawn your reading through Jacob’s point of view which is a great change. So the book starts with Jacob thinking about taking revenge on the Cullens, so he asks the pack to help him kill Cullens. Sam (the leader of the pack) says no way Jose because they don’t have any efficient evidence that the Cullens killed Bella. So Jacob goes to kill Edward by himself. But when Jacob gets there he sees that Bella is pregnant. Yes he sees that she’s pregnant so apparently the baby is growing really fast. Jacob also sees that Bella is dying from it so he thinks “The baby is a monster just like its father, I always knew he kill her.” But then Edward quickly looks at Jacob.

Oh my god they’re finally going to duke it out. They start saying words macho words that seem like they are preparing to fight. Bella of course says no and Edwards says something stupid. “I just want to talk with him.” Now that’s bullcrap.

Oh wait till you hear what he has to talk with him about. He wants to ask Jacob to impregnate Bella. Now that probably sounds stupid to you and that’s because it is. The reason behind the question is that Edward can’t get Charlise to get the baby out of Bella because Rosalie is guarding her probably because Bella said she could have the baby if she dies. So Edward thinks it because she really wants a baby at any cost. So Jacob of course goes to talk with her and being the likable character he is, asks the question. Bella of course says no.

So Jacob goes back to his pack where Sam decides to go and kill the Cullens which Jacob protests. Wait? Did I miss something? When did they switch bodies? Anyway Jacob being the rightful alpha male breaks off and makes his own pack that protects the Cullens. A few chapters later we learn that in order to save Bella’s life she has to drink blood because the baby has a vampire diet. Finally something in this book that makes sense. A couple chapters later Bella is deciding what she will name the baby. Well I hope she doesn’t do what Harry Potter did and name her child something completely stupid. She will name the child Renessme a combination of the name Renee and Esme. That’s a stupid name it’s almost as bad as Albus Severus Potter. Anyway the book of Jacob ends with Bella giving birth to Renessme. But giving birth to Renessme almost kills Bella so Edward has no choice but to turn her. Now on to Book 3 Bella, again.

Book 3 Bella

So the book starts out with a preface yes it has a preface. What the hell. But the preface is harmless and at the same time useless. On to the first chapter of the book, this chapter is about what Bella is going through when she’s getting turned. This has to be the most boring chapter I have ever read in my life. Plus you think a chapter about something as simple as that would be short but no it’s 17 damn pages long.

So after this gruesome chapter Bella wakes up a vampire. Edward takes her on a hunt right away which the image of Bella hunting Bears, deer and mountain lions is very laughable. Well it ends up that there was a hiker on the field and guess what?! Bella didn’t kill him. Yes it ends up that Bella’s superpower is self control. That’s a lame super power. My power is not to be hungry. You know how lame that sounds. Okay so Edward brings Bella back to the house where Jacob meets them out front to see if Bella’s acceptable to meet the kid. Well it’s nice to show that he cares about Bella’s kid. So it ends up that Renessme’s power is that she could put her thoughts in other people’s head, that’s kind of cool. But that is immediately ruined by the revelation you hear next. Jacob has imprinted on Renessme!

Congratulation Stephanie Meyers you just ruined Jacob. Hope you’re happy. Anyway this revelation makes not only the readers mad but also Isabella. She starts feeling the need to kill Jacob but she doesn’t until she hears Renessme’s nickname, Nessie. She then jumps at Jacob’s throat but is stopped. Now she hates that Renessme has the same nickname as the loch ness monster but then again that’s what you get for calling your daughter Renessme. That’s like if someone named their son Biggins Footie. Oh and it ends up that it’s Bella’s birthday so Esme got Bella and Edward their own cottage. So Bella and Edward move into the cottage where they fornicate once again. Hmm I wonder why this book wasn’t published by scholastic. Anyway the story progresses to where Jacob invites Charlie (Bella’s father) over, but first reveals to Charlie that he’s a werewolf for no apparent reason. During Bella’s reunion with her dad you find out another Renessme’s middle name, Carlie a combination between Charlie and Charlise even though the only difference between their names is an s. So her full name is Renessme Carlie Cullen.

Congratulations Albus Severus Potter your reign as dumbest name I’ve ever heard is over. On to the book after Charlie’s visit the next few chapters are of Renessme’s development. She starts saying her first words which is momma, she then proceeds with her first sentence “Momma where’s grandpa”? A few days later she says “Momma why’d you give me such a stupid name”? No just kidding that didn’t happen but I wished it did.

So things go happy go lucky until one day when Bella goes hunting with Renessme. What happens is that she is spotted by Irina the spouse of the late Laurent. She then runs off. It ends up that Irina is going to tell on them to the Volturis because she thinks they have an immortal child which is a child who’s been turned into a vampire. So Alice and Jasper being the likable characters they are, abandon the Cullens

But wait Alice left an address for Bella to go to so she must have a plan to stop the Volturis. So she might still be a likable character. Anyway with the immediate threat coming Charlise calls all his friends to help him. The first to come is Denali Coven the coven that Irina is from. They of course help. In this chapter you get another revelation. Bella’s real power is that she is immune to other Vampire’s powers. She might even be able to use her powers to shield other people. Soon more covens come introducing so many characters that you can’t help but to think that the whole thing is stupid. There’s an Irish Coven, an Egyptian Coven, the American Nomads, The European Nomads, an Amazonian Coven and a Romanian Coven.

I’m surprised there isn’t a French Coven, a British Coven, a Transylvanian Coven, an Australian Coven, the Arabian Nomad, the Korean Coven, the Texas Nomads, the Disney Coven, the Mormon Nomads, and last but not least the Coven from the Hood. The worst part of it is that the book tries to give every vampire their own personality which makes the entire thing confusing.

Oh if you’re wondering why they need all these vampires. Well they’re plan is to make the Volturis hesitate so they can show that Renessme isn’t an immortal child and if that plan fails then they’ll have to fight the Volturis. Well I hope their plan fails because if their plan works that would be a lame ending for the series. Anyway the next few chapters are all training. The only groundbreaking event that happens is that Bella goes to the address that Alice left her. The address belongs to a lawyer who makes illegal documents. So Bella makes a document for Jacob and Renessme to leave the country just in case they fail. A few chapters later we come to the confrontation of the Volturis VS the Cullens and friends.

So Bella was able to create a shield around their army. Seeing that they are outnumbered the Volturis hesitate and ask to see the baby to where they figure out if they are telling the truth. They figure out the Renessme is in fact a mixed breed (just like my dog). Also it ends up that Jacob isn’t a real werewolf he’s a shape shifter but there are real werewolves out there. Now that’s a useless revelation unless…. Oh my god! Stephanie Meyers is already prepping people for her next book series! Anyway the Volturis start asking the vampires if Renessme is still a danger to society. So we get a long speech from a random vampire that we don’t care about. The Volturis are still not convinced so they debate whether they should kill Renessme or not. But then Alice shows up with a half vampire. Yes that’s right Renessme is not alone. The half vampire talks and the Volturis realize that the half vampires are just like vampires and they decide to leave the Cullens alone. But not before ripping Irina to shreds just for the shake of being assholes.

That’s how it ends? Bullcrap! that’s not a satisfying ending at all. It’s not that I hate books that aren’t violent it’s just that the book prepares you for the battle for many chapters and with all that anticipation ending in nothing is just crap. I mean this ending makes the ending of Twilight look climatic. This book is one of the worst books I have ever read. The only thing good about this book is that it’s the last one so that means that we won’t have a dumb sequel to deal with.

Franchise til Now: X-Men

Franchises are made for money, but if the predecessor is good then we will always flock to the sequel. That is why I’m creating my new series where I review the predecessors to an upcoming sequel, and since X-Men Origins: Wolverine, is coming out I decided to review the previous three X-Men films. I have to warn you that I’m doing these reviews off memory because most of these I haven’t seen in a while.

X-Men: The first one was pretty good, it wasn’t as great as many of the comic book movies now but for its time is was wonderful.

3 1/2 out of 5 Stars

X2-X-Men United: Now this one is more memorable. It has great action, a decent enough story, and I guess great action. This is one of the few sequels that pass up the original. Even though the only thing I’ve commented it being good on is the action it really isn’t brainless. It’s exciting with ever twist and turn.

4 out of 5 Stars

X-Men 3: Here’s one everybody has complained about. The first time (and only time) I saw this I didn’t hate it as much as everyone else, but now that I think about it, its pretty bad. The comic relief is out of place, the story is dumb, the special effects are cheap, and the action just isn’t as good. But I do have to say that it is entertaining enough.

2 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Movies of the Month: March 2009

Hey! Been in a coma for a month and now that you’re up you want to know what movies you should see? If so; then you’re in luck because with my series movies of the month I will review every movie that I saw this month in theaters.

Watchmen: Here’s a film that is hard to recommend. Why? Because everybody seems to have a different opinion on it. Some people like it, some people don’t. I personally thought it was a good film. It had good story, round characters, and I really got sucked into it. I do agree that the film has some problems like they never explain why Nixon stays in office, the guy they got to play Nixon was no Frank Lengella, the love scenes went on too long, and there were some really weird moments. Overall I thought it was a good film but I wouldn’t recommend it because it’s definitely not a film for everyone.

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Race to Witch Mountain: Despite what I said on my article “Movies of Next Month: March 2009” I ended up seeing this film. After seeing this film I have to say that what I said in that article was true. The film was stupid; the editing was a mess, it had horrible story, the alien/Kids were surprisingly worthless, the characters were bland, and there were a lot of moments that defied logic. Now to be fair this is a children’s film but letting this film off easy because it’s a kid’s film is saying that kid’s films are always bad and that’s not true.

1 1/2 out of 5 stars

Inkheart: Two bad kids movies in a row; I’m really unlucky. I saw this movie in the dollar theater and I have to say that it’s not worth my dollar. The plot revolves around these special types of people called Silver Tongues. Silver Tongues are people that brings things from books to life just by reading about them. When they do this however they send one person into the book. Wait, if you send people into the book does the text change? I mean the main storyline is that Brendon Frasier accidentally trapped his wife in a book, so he looks around the world for the book to read her out of it . That brings up the question that if they do change the text does it do it to every copy of the book. If that’s true then these Silver Tongues would create chaos in all the world’s stories. Last but not least if there are such people as Silver Tongues then wouldn’t they use their powers to bring back great people like Einstein, Lincoln, or Jesus? I think I thought more of the plot then both Cornelia Funke and the makers of the film. Plot holes aside, this film is terrible. The characters are annoying, the climax is stupid, and it’s just really hard to get into.

1 out of 5 stars

Sunshine Cleaning: This film was good, it was no Little Miss Sunshine but it was good. It wasn’t exactly funny and it doesn’t really have a plot but I thought the story was good enough and it was able to keep me entertained for an hour and a half.

3 1/2 out of 5 stars

I Love You, Man: I was surprised to learn that Judd Apatow (The Producer or 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Walk Hard, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, etc.) Had nothing to do with this film. It seems that he’s influenced the comedy movie industry so much that there are many films that look like they could’ve been produced by him. On to the film itself; it was pretty funny but really nothing special. There were funny parts but the rest of the film was boring.

3 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Duplicity: This film was actually pretty good. It wasn’t great, but it did have a good story and was entertaining enough.

4 out of 5 stars

Overall this was an okay film month for me; saw some good films, saw some okay films, and saw some of the films that sucked big time.

Possible Best List Nominees: Watchmen and maybe Duplicity.

Possible Worst List Nominees: Race to Witch Mountain and Inkheart have definitely reserved a spot on the 13 Worst Movies of 2009.