Bad Book Report: Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein

  Hello Mellow Filmmaker here.

Throughout history there were books that innovated story telling for ages to come, Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein was one of them. Frankenstein is a story most people know about a scientist making a monster that just wants to be loved. The book is hailed as an innovation in the horror genre; never before had monsters been represented in a sympathetic manor. While it is innovated it does have problems which is why it is a subject for a Bad Book Report.

Volume 1:

The edition of Frankenstein I’ve read has the first fourth of the book comprised of the history of the novel. I didn’t bother reading all of it, but the little I did read told me that the book was actually critically panned when it first came out. Anyway on to the story; the book starts with few letters from a sailor R. Walton to his sister Mrs Saville. Most of what we learn from these letters is back story that would no doubt be pointless, and the fact that Walton can’t find a friend as intellectual as he is. In the fourth letter something finally happens that moves along the plot. The ship that Walton is a sailor on, is sailing through the arctic when they found a man on a sledge drawn by dogs. They take the man in there ship because he’s freezing and starving. We learn that while the man lives on the ship Walton figures out that this man was the friend he was looking for. At the end of the letter the stranger sits down with Walton to tell his back story and why he’s here.

Okay for those of you who are wondering; yes this stranger is Dr. Victor Von Frankenstein, but the problem is that the book doesn’t tell us this until a few chapters in. Which when I would think of a character telling his life story I would think it would start with him telling us his name. The funny thing is that his name is not even said in a reveal of any kind it was just said in a regular conversation.

Anyway since it’s no longer letters but a character telling a story now the chapters are called chapters instead of letters. Frankenstein starts off by telling us how his parents met. Yes, Frankenstein is really starting from the beginning. Okay so the next four chapters tell us his whole life story up until this point. We learn  about his siblings including his adoptive sister Elizabeth (who for some reason is called his cousin Elizabeth), his childhood friends, the death of his mother, and the fact that he found a fascination for science. The character back story goes on for four and a half chapters. After that Frankenstein then decides he wants to reanimate life into dead tissue, and then he creates a monster. That last sentence pretty much summed up the creation of Frankenstein’s monster.The book goes into minimal buildup or detail into the monster’s creation. Which is ironic because the book spent so much time telling the back stories of Frankenstein and Walton, yet the creation of the monster it self seems rushed. When I read it I thought maybe I skipped a couple of pages, but no I didn’t.

After Frankenstein created the monster he runs out of his apartment (yes he created it in his apartment) where he runs into his childhood friend Henry. Henry tells Victor that his family is worried about him because he doesn’t write. Victor then takes Henry to his apartment. Victor fears that his monster is still in his apartment, but it turns out that the monster left. Victor then has a breakdown so his friend Henry takes care of his illness. While Victor is being taken care of, he starts sending letters to his family. He learns that his sister, duh… I mean cousin Elizabeth is doing fine but his father is getting older and weaker. A couple of years later he gets a letter telling him that his younger brother William has been murdered.

Frankenstein immediately went to his hometown and it ends up that a family friend named Justine ( Justine is a girl so I think her name is pronounced Jus-Teen and not Jus-Tin) has been arrested for William’s murdered. Why they arrest her is that they find a picture of William’s mother in Justine’s dress, but Victor knows right away that Justine is innocent and the real killer is the monster of his creation. I know that it’s only natural to blame yourself for a family member’s death but I do have to say that the chances of the monster killed William are very low. First of all how would the monster know where you live to get revenge on you? I mean you probably had records of where you lived in your apartment but how would a monster know to read papers and get revenge on your family. Plus the monster probably would be illiterate for being just born so he can’t read on where you live. Even if he does know where you live; how would he know that William was your brother. Even if you kept a painting of him, William's appearance would be different since Victor hasn’t seen him in 6 years.

Justine is then held on trial which to be honest, it wouldn’t be hard to prove that Justine was innocent. First; she had no motive to kill one of her friends. Second; William was strangled to death, seeing that Justine and William were around the same age it would be hard for Justine to overtake William unless Justine was extremely strong and William was a complete pansy (It was the 1800’s, but still). Third; it ended up that Frankenstein’s Monster did kill William, so I would think that there would be big hand marks on William’s neck, any competent investigator would just see that Justine’s hands are a lot smaller then the markings on William’s neck (assuming that the 7 foot tall monster’s hands are larger then the girl in her mid teen’s hands). But courts in those days completely sucked because Justine is convicted and executed.

Victor, knowing that Justine is innocent, goes off to find the real killer (meaning his monster). It doesn’t take long for Victor to find his monster. When Victor confronts his monster, his monster says that he doesn’t want to fight and has a story to tell. The book then goes into its second volume.

Volume 2:

The volume starts with Frankenstein’s Monster escaping Victor’s apartment and getting some clothing. He walks around and learns that he isn’t liked very much, so he heads to the woods.

He finds a cottage owned by a French family. He makes a hovel for himself and spends the next few months listening to them speaking, by doing this he learns how to speak for himself. Wait! How does the family not notice that there’s a 7 foot tall monster listening in on them. Also, the fact that the monster learns to speak just by listening to the family speak is very absurd. Learning the words and attaching the words to meaning are two completely different things. Plus, the monster (who is narrating this volume) seems to have surprisingly good diction for learning how to speak by listening to people. We also learn that the monster learned how to read by just listening to the family. Yes, because all French families have everyday conversations about the alphabet, and how to connect the letter to words, and connect the words to the meaning. Oh my God! There’s just so many plot holes!

After that onslaught of plot holes we get an entire chapter dedicated to the back story of the French Family. This chapter becomes entirely pointless, because in the next chapter the monster attempts to become a member of the family, and of course terrifies them.

Frankenstein’s Monster then ran off until he finds a little girl drowning in the river. The monster jumps in and save her, but her father immediately grabs her in his arms and runs off. The monster runs after them trying to prove that he is good, but the father shoots the monster.Wait, how can the father shoot the monster with a rifle if he’s carrying the little girl. The book never says that he dropped the little girl and its hard to believe that he would drop his daughter. The father then immediately runs off (Did he take his little girl with him? I don’t know).

The monster is wounded, but soon heals. The monster decides to head off to his creator’s hometown. The book says that the monster know where his creator’s hometown is, because he read where Victor lived in Victor’s apartment, which is impossible because the monster didn’t learn how to read until after he left Victor’s apartment ( Plot Hole #27). 

When Frankenstein’s monster arrives in the town he finds a boy. The monster thinks that this child has lived on this earth not long enough to be prejudiced, so he grabs the child. Then the child says “Hideous Monster! Let me go. My papa is a syndic- he is M. Frankenstein- he will punish you. You dare not keep me.”

Wait so the child is William? But William was in his teens, yet the book describes a little boy  by saying that the child has all the sportiveness of infancy and lived too short a time to be prejudiced. Nobody would think that a teen would be two young to be prejudiced. Also nobody would say someone’s name with replacing their first name with an initial. People do that while writing but not speaking. The funny thing is that William’s father’s name starts with an A and not an M. Is M a title?

After William declares that he is a Frankenstein, the monster strangles him to death. He then takes a picture of William’s mother which was on William, and hides out in a barn where he find Justine sleeping. He then slips a picture of William’s mother into Justine's dress. The monster then runs off and his narration ends.

Frankenstein just sits there staring at his monster, furious at the fact that the monster did commit the murders. The monster requests that he should build him a bride, if he doe this then the monster and his bride would stop harming humans and leave to South America. How does monster even know about South America? Did the French Family have a conversation about it? Getting to South America should also be a real pain seeing that you can’t get their without going on a boat which would have prejudiced humans on it. The Monster tells Frankenstein that if he doesn’t do this then he would harm his loved ones. Then Frankenstein leaves to do the monster’s bidding. Here we leave Volume 2 and enter the third and final volume.

Volume 3:

Frankenstein returns to his hometown to get his father’s consent to go to England. It then ends up that Frankenstein is going to marry Elizabeth after Frankenstein finish his task, wait what! He’s marrying Elizabeth? When did they ever foreshadow him marrying Elizabeth? Sure they it was said that Victor loved her during his back story, but when did he propose? Maybe he did after William's murder, but that would be the worst timing for a proposal. Not to mention that he hasn’t seen Elizabeth for 6 years so just seeing her now and proposing to her is a bit strange. Last but definitely not least, Elizabeth is practically Frankenstein’s sister! I know that their not blood related, but marrying someone who was raised by the same parents as you is pretty sick.

Frankenstein then goes to England and Sweden to get equipment and learn more so he can create a bride for his monster, while going into every single little detail on how beautiful the country is. After the travel guide, Frankenstein obtains a laboratory and starts assembling the bride. He then ponders what he’s doing; thinking that he doesn’t want to release another monster in the world, and maybe the bride would be worse then the first monster. He then has a spazz attack and rips up the body. It ends up that the monster had been following him, and isn’t happy that he went back on his promise. The monster the says “I will be with you on your wedding night,” the monster then runs off.

Frankenstein is frightened at this remark, but he decides to sail back home (he was on a island near Sweden at the time). Frankenstein soon lands on a dock where he greeted by some rude Scottish men who say that he’s committed a crime. He is then arrested and tried for the murder. The trial goes on with witnesses going reciting the account of finding the dead body and somebody sailing away. The funny thing is that during the trial they actually mention the finger marks on the victim’s neck. I would think that if they would just compare the markings on the neck to Frankenstein’s hands then they would see that he didn’t murder the person, but trails back then didn’t really know anything about decisive evidence. The trial decides that they should show the body to Frankenstein to see how he reacts. Yes, because cold hearted killers react when they see the bodies of their victims. They show him body and he sees that it is Henry who is the victim. Frankenstein then reacts in Germen to the body (which is his native language),  and speaking Germen is enough to convince the Scottish that he’s the killer and they arrest him.

A few months go by in prison and then Victor gets a visit from his father who bails him out of prison. Victor’s father then gives Victor a letter from Elizabeth. The letter starts with her saying that they are practically brother and sister ( oh good she finally came to her senses), but it ends with Elizabeth asking if Victor loves another and that’s the reason he’s depressed. One thing I found weird was the Elizabeth says the she’s been getting news about him from her uncle. Does she mean some Uncle of Victor’s or does he mean Victor’s father who is technically her father but could called her uncle because she is referred to as Victor’s Cousin (It’s so confusing). 

Victor then sails back to his hometown with his father and tells Elizabeth that he still loves her and they get married (the joining of the two families: Frankenstein and Frankenstein).

Victor and Elizabeth then sails to an island as a happily married couple/siblings. Victor remembers his monster’s promise so he keeps on his guard carrying a knife and a pistol (wait if you think about why didn’t Victor take a weapon to confront the monster earlier?). While Victor is patrolling the hallways he hears a scream from Elizabeth. He runs and finds out that she was strangled and the monster is running off(Evil Being! How dare he stop Victor from fornicating with his sister!).

Victor then returns to his father to tell him of the bad news. His father is saddened at the news and dies ten days later of an illness. Victor then goes to captain of the police force and tells him the entire story of the monster. The captain replies by saying “I don’t believe your story, there’s just too many plot holes.” Okay fine he didn’t actually say that, he actually believed Victor’s story but doesn’t want to risk his men on attacking a dangerous monster. Victor now on a quest of vengeance, the goes off in search of the monster, up until the part where he was founded by Walton.

The last few chapters are letters from Walton to his sister. The funny thing is that speaks his sister in a very romantic way. Does he feel about his sister the same way Victor felt about Elizabeth? I’ve got a feeling that its worse because their probably blood related! Was making love to your sister not frowned upon back then?

The only groundbreaking thing that happens is that Victor actually dies. After the death we find the monster looming over Victor’s coffin. The monster gives a big speech which I think is suppose to make us feel bad about him. The only thing I feel is relief that this novel is over and I can go and read something better.

To be fair this book isn’t horrible like the last book I’ve done a bad book report on (Breaking Dawn). Its innovative, well written, and not too boring. But behind the innovation I just see a story filled with plot holes and discontinuity.

By the way if you read all of this article, then I say thank you.

 

 

Movies of the Month: July 2009

The summer so far has produced many bad films. It started with the awful X-Men Origins: Wolverine, continued with Terminator Salvation, and the month of June started us off with Land of the Lost. With May and June being such a disaster, will July follow in it’s footsteps? Let’s find out while I review all the films I saw in theaters in the Month of July.

Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs: This was surprising good. Much better then Ice Age 2 and almost as good as the first Ice Age. While the possums are still annoying, Queen Latifah’s character  Elle has became likable, and the new character Buck (voiced by Sean William Scott) is very likable. Plus the action is good but doesn’t take away from the plot. In my opinion this is a very underrated film.

4 out of 5 Stars

The Brothers Bloom: It took awhile for me to see this film, but I finally was able to go see it at a dollar theater. This film was just okay. While at times the film was funny, it didn’t make up for a plot that at times didn’t make sense. Also it was very over the top and the ending didn’t make any sense.

3 out of 5 Stars

Public Enemies: This was good but not great. While it had a good story it just felt very slow. I like the alternative way they filmed it making it seem more realistic at times, but at other times it seemed everything was shoved in your face. It was a likable film none the less.

4 out of 5 Stars

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince: The last Harry Potter film was very disappointing, but the new one makes up for it. Unlike the last time it seemed that this one had time for subplots and not everything was about Harry. The way the film was shot in a very stylish manor which gives direction points to David Yates. The only problem I have with this film was that they toned down the ending so it becomes a little anti-climatic. I heard David Yates took the wizard battles out of the ending because having a wizard battle two films in a row would be repetitive [yes because both films having climaxes is very repetitive (Subtract direction points)].

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

500 Days of Summer: Most films begin at the beginning and end at the end. Others might begin at the end but goes then goes to the beginning through flashback. 500 Days of the Summer defies the convention of chronological story telling, by telling snippets of events that happen in our leading couple’s relationship. It’s shown out of order, but the order it shown through somehow still makes since. Because they decided to do the film in this unique fashion; the film stands out from other independent films. Plus this film is really funny and entertaining. At first glance it seems like a romance film, but trust me when I say that this film is entertaining for both genders (either that or I’m just not that manly).

4 1/2 out 5 Stars

I have to say that this month was better then last month or the month before. More of the films were good and none of them were really crappy. Then again I avoided most of the mainstream films like G-Force & Aliens in the Attic.

Possible Best List Nominees: Harry Potter 6, 500 Days of Summer, maybe Ice Age 3, and maybe Public Enemies.

Possible Worst List Nominees: Didn’t see anything this month that would have a chance of making the 13 worst films of 2009 list.

Movies of Next Month: August

Summer is almost over. One month separate us from the Summer season and the filler seasons of September and October. With very little summer left what films are worth seeing and what films are worth skipping? Luckily for you I’ve posted a list of the films coming next month and whether it’s worth seeing or not. If you are uncertain about what to see or just don’t know what’s coming next month, then this is the article for you.

GI Joe: Rise of Cobra

Story: I’ve never watched the show so I don’t know the whole story. From what I read and saw I have to say that a terrorist group named Cobra is trying to take over the world, so America brings in an elite group of soldiers to stop them.

Worth Seeing?: As I said before I’m not a GI Joe fan and this doesn’t look like it's going to be a great movie, but it could still be decent. It is directed by the director of the Mummy but the guy also directed the Mummy Returns, so it could go either way

Bandslam

Story: It’s about a band trying to win a battle of the bands type competition called Bandslam (thus the title). There also seems to be a plot about a romance between the band’s teenage manager and one of the band members named Sa5m (Why she has a 5 in her name I do not know, probably just an attempt to make the character memorable).

Worth Seeing?: I’m not a fan of teen movies, but I do have to say that it looks better then most teen movies. I probably won’t see it though because it’s just not my type of movie.

The Time Traveler’s Wife

Story: Based on a best selling novel “The Time Traveler’s Wife” is about a girl who meets a guy who travels through time when she was a child. Years later she meets the guy again and marries him (he hasn’t aged because he can travel through time), yet traveling through time without control puts is bad for their relationship and the drama begins.

Worth Seeing?: It probably is if you are a woman. If you are a man (like me) then you probably wouldn’t invite your buddies to go see this. I do have to say that the idea of a man who meets a little girl and then a little bit later makes love to her as an adult is a little creepy.

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard

Story: This film is about an arrogant car salesman. That’s pretty much it, but boy does it look funny.

Worth Seeing?: This looks like the next Talladega Nights, and for good reason seeing that it’s made by the director of Talladega Nights. Talladega Nights was hilarious and hopefully this will be hilarious.

District 9

Story: An alien race has invaded our planet, but now for conquest. Their landing on our planet was a complete accident. Humans don’t believe that so they oppress them and give them a crappy area called District 9.

Worth Seeing?: The main draw to this movie is the fact that it’s produced by Peter Jackson (best known for the Lord of the Rings trilogy). Producer means he just finances the film, but from what  I heard he is a very involved producer. This film is based on a short film called “Alive in Joberg” which is actually a well done short film. The director of the short film Neil Blomkamp is also directing this, so the movie  will be like the short but with more budget, running time, and story. If nothing else this movie is worth seeing because if this is a box office success then Peter Jackson and Neil Blomkamp will be allowed to make the Halo Movie.

Shorts

Story: A suburb of black falls is now turned upside down when a kid discovers a rock where it can grant any of your wishes.

Worth Seeing?: It probably is if you’re a child. Otherwise I don’t know. It is directed by the director of Spy Kids which was a good film whether you were a kid or an adult, but the same director also directed the crappy sequels. Just check the reviews from the paid critics.

Inglorious Basterds

Story: During World War 2 times a US general is organizing a group of Jewish soldiers to do one thing and one thing only; Killing Nazis. There also seems to be a plot about a young woman who’s family is killed by Nazis so she flees to Paris, change her identity, and runs a cinema. These two stories will probably end up connecting in this film.

Worth Seeing?: It’s directed by Quentin Tarantino which I haven’t seen any of his films but I heard that they were all great. Quentin Tarantino himself said that he thinks this is his best film. Even without the director’s credentials this film looks good.

  Taking Woodstock

Story: A town is banning the famous concert Woodstock from playing on their grounds, so a kid with his parents is now being paid to hold Woodstock in their own backyard.

Worth Seeing?: It looks pretty good, but I do have to say that it’s the type of film that won’t be playing at any theater. If that’s the case then you might have to go out of your way to see this film, but I have a feeling that it would be worth it.

The Final Destination

Story: Pretty much the same as the other Final Destination films. Some teens escape death and now death is out to get them.

Worth Seeing?: I can’t really comment on this film because it’s a horror film and I’m not a horror film fan. I do have to say that the title is retarded seeing that it’s pretty much the same as the title as the first film. All  they did is added a “The” in the title.

Halloween 2

Story: Michael Meyers is killing people… Again.

Worth Seeing?: Once again, not a horror fan so I can’t really judge it.

Trend: Alien and Human Role Reversal

There always seems to be trends in Hollywood that lasts for a short time. The trend that seems to be going on right now is that Aliens and Humans are now switching roles. Like in Battle for Terra where instead of Aliens invading our planet for conquest we are invading theirs for conquest. Or what  about District 9 where instead of Aliens oppressing us we are oppressing the Aliens. Then there’s Planet 51 (Coming Soon) where a human astronaut is now on an alien planet being hidden by a little alien boy. It’s just like ET except the roles are reversed. Last but not least there’s the new James Cameron movie Avatar which I just learned was about humans invading an Alien planet. It seems that Hollywood has just realized that if we do find Aliens the chances are that they would be nicer then us.

13 Ways 21st Century Disney Pissed Us Off

Remember when Disney was a name the we loved and a film being made by Disney automatically meant quality entertainment? That was ten years ago. Since then Disney has completely changed it’s image. In ten years, Disney went from a magical kingdom to a factory of fail. Sure the Pixar material is great and films like; The Princess and the Frog, The Christmas Carol, and Alice in Wonderland looks promising, but  good films from Disney are rare. Disney has also failed outside of the movie industry with terrible television and music. Because Disney has became such an abomination; I’ve decided to list the 13 ways Disney has pissed us off in the last decade.

13. The Emperor's New School: “The Emperor’s New Groove” was one the better films that Disney has released in the last decade, but it did inspire a very mediocre TV series. The story is that the main character Cuzco cannot become emperor until he finishes school, so Cuzco has to go through the common problems that many teens have. Except most teens don’t have older women turning them into animals. The main problem with this show is that the writers recycle humor from the film making the show very repetitive very quickly. It’s low on the list because this show is actually watchable, in fact it’s the only show on Disney channel  that is watchable.

 

  12. National Treasure Series: Did you know that there was a conspiracy involving big historical figures and treasure? You would if you saw National Treasure 1 & 2, and if that’s the case then I feel your pain. This is a very ridiculous series that is filled with poor plots, bland characters, and historical inaccuracy. The action is lame because it consists of only running, sure Nicolas Cage beats up one guy but of then that just running. There’s also a couple of plot holes. An example of one is the fact that Nicolas Cage’s grandfather was a boy during the time Lincoln was assassinated but was alive when Nick’s character was a boy. Now we are to assume that this movie takes place in modern times and that our main protagonist is in his forties, so that means that his grandfather had to be in his late nineties or early hundreds. But we saw his grandfather at the beginning of the first film and he didn’t looks that old. This plot hole could’ve been filled by having it be his great-grandfather that was a boy during Lincoln’s assassination but the writers decided to just go with having plot hole instead.

11. Freaky Friday: I honestly didn’t like this film that much. I didn’t find it funny, engaging, or anything. Lindsay Lohan isn’t that likable of a protagonist and I have to tell you that I thought this before she started to cause controversy. The worst thing is this seems like the beginning of Disney decision to make the majority of films about teens.

10. Lost Season 3 & 5: Even though Disney doesn’t put its logo on the production of Lost I do have to say that this show is on ABC which is owned by Disney so it counts. To be fair; when it started it was very interesting and yes it’s a very revolutionary show, but it suffers from two bad seasons. The thirds season of lost was what started its downfall because before this season it was all great. The problem with this season was that most of it felt pointless. Plot points, Flashbacks, and even entire episodes felt as if it was just there to take up time. After the third season we were treated to an okay fourth season but then came to a pretty bad fifth season. The fifth season made it clear to me that J.J. Abrams was making it up as he went along. There were plot points that made no sense (and looking at the fact that this is Lost that’s saying a lot), characters becoming unlikable, and enough plot holes to engulf the island. I might be alone with my hatred of this season seeing that it was nominated for an Emmy, so I hope I don’t offend anyone. I’m just glad that there’s only one season left. One season, and then I could put this all behind me.

  9. Sky High: Sky high is the perfect adjective to describe what Disney was during the production of this film and how they’ve been since. Sky High is the typical high school movie except with superheroes. It’s about the son of two superheroes being sent to a school of super powered beings, but it turns out that he has no super powers. It then turns out that he does have super powers ( yes, because a story about a person with no powers living in a society of superheroes doesn’t in anyway make an interesting story, but you can go and give him powers). The beginning and middle of this movie were both pretty bad, but what made this movie go from bad to worse was the ending where the villain unveils her evil plan to turn all the super heroes into babies. You heard that right, babies.

  8. Disney Channel Stars: These untalented bunch of people are what represents what Disney has become; a company that is meant to only entertain tweens and nobody else. These people always seem to get extra fame for doing very little and the media only seems to be concentrated on what they do wrong. It’s not their direct fault but that doesn’t mean that I’m suppose to like these attention grabbing, untalented, teens.

7. Bridge to Terabithia’s Trailer: No, the movie itself didn’t make the list mostly because it wasn’t that bad,  it was depressing but not that bad. What did make the list was the fact that Disney flat out false advertised this movie. Bridge to Terabithia is a drama about a kid finding friendship, yet they decided to give this an epic trailer that made it look like the next  big fantasy film. In fact in the trailer they directly said “When you go looking for adventure, be prepared to find more then you ever imagined,” the trailer should’ve said “When you go looking for adventure, be prepared to be very disappointed.” Most people who went to see this movie didn’t expect to go leave with their children crying when the only likable character is killed at the end. Disney offered us “Spiderwick Chronicles” but gave us “My Girl.” In short; if you’re film is a drama then advertised it as a drama, because most people don’t want to be tricked.

6. Race to Witch Mountain: I won’t get into that much detail with this one mostly because I’m going to be writing about it later. I’ll just tell you that every year I make a list of the worst films that came out that year and this move has definitely reserved a spot on that list.

5. Meet the Robinsons: This is the last specific film to make this list. Let’s just say it’s an unfunny, stupid, mess of a film. I’m not saying that it’s the worst Disney film that came out in the last ten year, I’m just saying that it’s the worst I’ve seen.

4. Disney Channel: Disney channel use to be good with good cartoons and even some decent original movies, but now it’s pretty much became ABC Family for kids. Almost all the shows star teenagers going through pointless problems with horrible solution while telling unfunny joke after unfunny joke. I don’t watch the shows but my siblings do and every time I walk by them watching TV I see some untalented person telling an unfunny joke. Seeing how bad the shows are, I have to guess the original movies would be just as bad with films like the High School Musical series (Which I avoid watching at all cost). Just have to say that the kids shows today aren’t nearly as good as the kid shows ten years ago.

3. The Disney Sequels: Sequels in general are usually never good, but boy is Disney a company that sucks when it comes to making a sequel to their classic films. Outside of Rescuers Down Under, Lion King 1 1/2, and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest; all the sequels made by Disney suck. I’ve only seen a few of them, but whenever I  would pass a video store and see an advertisement for the latest sequel from the Disney library; I can just tell from the cover that the movie sucks. The fact that most of them don’t even get a theatrical release is a sign of its terribleness. Just do what I do and just say that the story of the classics Disney films ended when the film did and just consider the sequels fan fiction, that’s what some of them are anyway.

2. Radio Disney: Boy does Radio Disney play some of the worst songs ever made. Songs by Disney channel stars range from annoying to dreadful. Sure they play songs from decent artists every now and then, but most of the time they play songs that make suicide look like a pleasant alternative. This would be avoidable except for the fact that my siblings love this music and they play it loud so I have to listen to the constant annoyances all the time, and that’s why it made the #2 spot on this list.

1. The Disney Vault: The list so far has told you that Disney has released bad films, terrible TV, and awful music. As bad as those are, they are avoidable. What isn’t avoidable however, is the fact that if you’re sitting at home and decide that you want to watch “The Great Mouse Detective” or any  of the Disney classics you can’t just go to the store and buy it. You have to wait until Disney decides to make the film available to the public for a few months before it goes back into the Disney vault. If you don’t about the Disney vault I’ll tell you; the Disney vault is a vault where they say they’re keeping their classics films in. Every now and then they would release one of these classic films for a few months and then stop producing more copies hint putting them in the Disney vault. They do this to raise sales of the movies preventing people from just renting the film and making them buy it. This evil marketing plan is something they started doing with DVD’s seeing that they don’t seem to do it with videos. It you think about it, its just cruel. Not only does Disney put out a lot of bad stuff, but they keep the good stuff away from us. No other movie studio does this, so this just adds to Disney bad reputation of being greedy money grabbers.

Movies of the Month: June 2009

The Summer movies this year seem to suck. Okay they aren’t all horrible, but the bad movies outnumber the good. I’m still trying to decide if this summer is worse then 2007 (which was a summer of disappointment). Let’s just dive into this no matter how bad it is.

Land of the Lost: Let’s start this off with a terrible TV shoe adaptation. This movie is very morbid. It’s not funny, the story denies any structure, and the jokes are so disgusting that it is borderline R. There were some clever moments in this film but those moments are few and they’re not worth it for most of the painfulness brought on by this movie.

1 1/2 out of 5 stars

The Hangover: Here’s one of the few good movies I saw this month. Sure it’s disgusting at times but that’s what you would expect from a movie called “The Hangover”. It’s about a group of guys who have a bachelor party in Vegas and wake up the next day not remembering what happened. The groom is also missing so they have to go look for him, and since neither they or audience know what happen the previous night the most random stuff happens because of what they did that night. It’s raunchy but I don’t mind raunchy just as long as it’s funny. If you don’t mind raunchy either then you should definitely see it because it’s hilarious.

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Year One: This could’ve been the new “History of the World Part 1” or “Life of Brian” but instead become a huge mess of a film that needs to be forgotten and buried. This had bad editing, poor jokes, and like Land of the Lost it was borderline R without humor. I even caught a couple of plot holes. Some of the scenes are just pointless but you could argue that the whole movie was pointless. It’s not as bad as “Land of the Lost” but it’s still pretty bad and a must avoid film of the summer.

1 1/2 out of 5 stars

Transformers Revenge of the Fallen: I actually liked the original Transformers when it came out in 2007. The sequel on the other hand is a step up from the other bad movies but it still is pretty bad. My main problem with this film is that it doesn’t have much of a plot just explosions. Despite what people say the original Transformers actually had a good plot that takes many twists and turns. It also has the problems that many sequels have which is they do a horrible job introducing new characters. The new characters just seem to come out of nowhere from the new autobots to a new dog that the Witwickeys apparently got over the two year gap. There were also a lot of stupid moments and bad jokes. At least the film was entertaining so it didn’t feel like a complete waste of time.

2 out of 5 Stars

Away We Go: It’s nice to see an independent film once in a while. Independent films don’t have big explosions, or road tripping cavemen to pull you in. They just have a story, and that’s all it needs. Away we go is a nice little film about this couple who are expecting a baby, so they travel around the country to find out where they need to live. Sounds sort of sappy but this is actually a very funny movie. It doesn’t rely purely on sexual humor to get you laughing, it just funny. Seeing all the bad big budget films I seen this month I think this film is a nice break from the many fails that have happened this summer.

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Possible Best List Nominees: The Hangover and Away We Go.

Possible Worst List Nominees: Land of the Lost, Year One, and Transformers.

Movies of Next Month: July 2009

The Summer Movie season is almost at its halfway point and so far I’m not that impressed with the big budget Hollywood flicks (you will hear more about that in the next article). Will the 3rd month of this so far poor season add to the pain or will it be the season’s redeemer? Let’s look at these films and be a judgmental as possible. Otherwise, my 13 worst film list would fill up faster then it already is.

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (Release Date: 7-1-09): There’s a couple of things that concern me about this film. The first is the fact that this is a sequel to a sequel, and as you know those are rarely good. Secondly, the characters from the second Ice Age film made it in the sequel, and  those characters were annoying. Third, they decided to make a female Scrat which I think they shouldn’t do. Overall, unless this film got a high percentage on the tomato meter; I’ll probably skip it. 

Public Enemies (Release Date: 7-1-09): Now this is more like it. This film has looks to have a lot of things that make it look like an interesting film. It takes place in the past, the protagonist is a villain, and it’s shot in a unique style. This will probably be good and seeing all the bad films I saw lately, I need something incredible.

Bruno (Release Date: 7-10-09): I haven’t seen Borat but from what I heard it was disturbing but funny. Bruno seems more disturbing then Borat but just as funny. It might be interesting to see a comedian prey on innocent civilians but I’m still deciding whether I should see it or not.

I Love You, Beth Cooper (Release Date: 7-10-09): This film looks bad. It looks like a blend of teen humor with loony tunes humor. A crossover I want to avoid.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (Release Date: 7-15-09): I was actually not mad about the 8 month delay of Harry Potter, it gives more time for this filmmakers to improve the film. The last one was pretty disappointing, but I’m not concerned about this one seeing that it would be hard to screw up Half Blood Prince ( Order of the Phoenix was a good books but Half Blood Prince was a lot better). I also like the fact that it's shot in a stylish manor so the film would earn art points. The only thing that really concerns me about this film is the fact that it is rated PG. I also tried to look up it's runtime but couldn’t find it. It better be more then two hours long.

  G-Force (Release Date: 7-24-09): This looks stupid, I’m just going to leave it at that. Secret Agent Guinea Pigs just looks like a bad movie waiting to happen. It has an extremely small chance of being good but I already watched Race to Witch Mountain and Inkheart, so I think I saw too many stupid kids movies this year and I don’t want to add to the list.

Aliens in the Attic (Release Date: 7-31-09): This looks even dumber then G-Force. I personally think that Disney should just stop putting out these dumb films and continue to ride the coattails of Pixar like they’ve been doing. Sure the Princess and the Frog look good, but other then that  stop making films.

Funny People (Release Date: 7-31-09): This looks funny. Unlike other Apatow films this looks like it actually has a plot and isn’t depending purely on sexual humor. Might be good.

 

I guess it looks like this Summer movie season would continue to suck. But there seems to be some gems in between the crap.

8 Worst TV Shows of the Season 08-09

Summer is the season for beaches, vacation, and summer blockbusters. With all those activities for people to do that means that most of the shows already had their season finale. Because of that I decided to list my 8 least favorite shows from the past year of television. Some of the shows are overall bad (and cancelled) and some were good shows that just had a bad season.

8. Family Guy: Family Guy is overall a hilarious show, but you wouldn’t have known that if you’ve only watched the last season. The seventh season of Family Guy was just a huge fail. The unfunny episodes outnumbered the funny ones, and the plots of the episodes just have no thought in them. It seems that the show’s creator Seth McFarlane might just be losing his steam. Evidence of this is Seth’s online series Seth Comedy which is also more miss then hit. The funny thing I’ve noticed is when there was a funny Seth Comedy there was a funny Family Guy episode on that Sunday.

7. Gary Unmarried: This isn’t a horrible show it just isn’t that original and funny.The characters and story of this show is pretty much the same thing that most people been watching for the last twenty years. Whenever I watched this show I would thought that I could be watching a better show or do something better. I just can’t believe that this hasn’t been cancelled but My Name is Earl a funnier and more creative show has.

6. Saturday Night Live: Sure there were funny sketches such as the Political satire ones during the election but I do have to say that the show is going down the crapper. This is like the fifth or sixth season of SNL that has sucked. Most of the sketches aren’t funny, most of the cast members aren’t funny, and most of the guests aren’t funny. Even Weekend Update not funny anymore. If you watch an episode of SNL you might get one funny sketch. With unfunny sketches, and long commercial breaks SNL is one of the worst shows to watch live. My recommendation is to just wait till the sketches are posted on Hulu and watch the sketches that seem like they would be funny (Save a lot of time).

5. Lost: This isn’t the worst season of Lost (that honor goes to season 3) but this was a pretty bad season. The plot has gotten more confusing as ever, some of the characters have developed into unlikable characters, and some of the dialogue and events are just stupid. The worst part is that I think that they were just making the story up as it goes along.

4. True Beauty: It’s ironic that a show about inner beauty can be so shallow. The show is about taking these “Beautiful” people and putting them in a house together making them think they’re in a beauty contest but they’re actually being monitored by the judges to see who has the greatest inner beauty. Sounds like a good concept but they just ruined it. They didn’t get the most beautiful people they could find they instead found the people with the biggest egos. Also the whole show seems so fake and superficial (ironic). Thankfully I stopped watching this show after a few episodes, unfortunately it’s still on the air.

3. I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!: This list was originally going to be a top 7 list but then I saw this show and decided to make it a top 8 to include this abomination. “I’m a celebrity get me out of here” is pretty much celebrity survivor except it comes of as entertaining as one of those survivor specials. Half of these celebrities I only know from the soup and the rest I don’t know at all. I personally think this show should’ve been called “I cause controversy, please exploit me”. I mean they have Heidi & Spencer of the Hills (The reality show that has been accused many times for being scripted), Sanjaya the guy on American Idol that stayed on too long, and they even have the wife of the governor who tried to sell Obama’s seat in the senate. It makes me lost faith in humanity knowing that somebody like Spencer exists, but it makes me lose more faith in humanity that people actually watch him and like it. The funny thing about this show is that the celebrities are complaining about being in the jungle, but the jungle doesn’t even look real; it looks like movie studio set and seeing the IQ of some of the celebrities I wouldn’t be surprised if it is. This show is also surprisingly boring, I mean in Survivor they’re good at editing to add in suspense and have interesting challenges, this show not so much. Overall I just have to say that I’m a viewer, cancel this show.

2. Superstars of Dance: This one is probably one that most people forgot about or never even heard of. Superstars of Dance is a universal dance competition. I’m not that into dancing but I thought this might be interesting and educational on the dances across the world. What we got was a bunch of unintentionally funny dances that half of them I could do (and I can’t dance). Also the host female host is one of the most bland hosts I’ve seen in my life. The judges aren’t that good either having the American Judge be like the male version of Paula Abdul. It was only suppose to be on for a few weeks and that’s how long it ran, but I doubt it will come back.

1. Crusoe: This show is stupid, cheap, and cheesy. The special effects are so bad that you just can’t help but to laugh. In fact this show is very easy to make fun of. In a way this show is so bad that it’s good, and if it’s that bad then it definitely deserves to be #1.